Mumble Cough Mumble

2004-10-26T21:44:00.000-06:00

And thus dies a legacy of memories.

Just so all of you know, I wont be posting on this site until a school break or summer break comes. Im saying this so you wont check here every day only to be disappointed. Go to the site on the previous entry to go to the site I do maintain now.

Sorry my loves. But alas, I find this site more of a liability at this point in time. I will return, someday, to begin another epic of such proportions that none other has seen such greatness. heh, if only...

2004-10-11T21:16:00.000-06:00

I figured I should post my website in case someone does come along who hasnt been there yet... who knows....

http://seraph-wing.deviantart.com/

2004-10-11T21:10:00.000-06:00

Oh, fine. If you need me to post, Ashley, then I post for you. I doubt anyone ever comes here anymore. I can see why. its hard ot manage three different kind of messaging systems on one computer.

ah well, what to say. Im close to breaking 1000 pageviews and I think we should have a party to celebrate. being honest Im not bragging, but I think its really neat that we've lasted this long without anyone not liking what we both put up. And people see all your comments on my stuff so you are technically just as popular. :)

bleh... school is school and its back into the godawful cycle again. not much to do but last it out. this war of atrition need to be stopped someday. That'll be our job when we become dictator of the world. heh...

2004-09-17T19:32:00.000-06:00

maybe meant for girls?

The Lost Soul

What sign of the Black Zodiac are you?
brought to you by

2004-09-17T19:28:00.000-06:00

You represent... playfulness.Playfulness can often be mistaken for sluttiness or
flirtiness... Flirting is something you enjoy
doing, but you're mostly just about having fun.
You're into partying, and it's seems that
people enjoy your company as much as you enjoy
their's.

What feeling do you represent?
brought to you by

2004-09-17T19:22:00.000-06:00

You are the Moon card. Entering the Moon we enter
the intuitive and psychic realms. This is the
stuff dreams are made on. And like dreams the
imagery we find here may inspire us or torment
us. Understanding the moon requires looking
within. Our own bodily rhythms are echoed in
this luminary that circles the earth every
month and reflects the sun in its progress.
Listening to those rhythms may produce visions
and lead you towards insight. The Moon is a
force that has legends attached to it. It
carries with it both romance and insanity.
Moonlight reveals itself as an illusion and it
is only those willing to work with the force of
dreams that are able to withstand this
reflective light. Image from: Stevee Postman.
http://www.stevee.com/

Which Tarot Card Are You?
brought to you by

2004-09-17T19:21:00.000-06:00

You're a Winter. You very much enjoy your time
alone but do like other people's company
sometimes. You just need your space. You have a
few priviledged friends who saw past your
colder exterior to find the true you. You can
have pretty bad mood swings (though you hate to
admit it) so you could be soft one second then
storming around the next! But over all, you're
a very pleasant person once people take the
time to get to know you. You're a good friend
for in-depth talks. You're very talanted when
it comes to creative things.

What season are you? (pics)
brought to you by

2004-09-12T21:32:00.000-06:00

You'll have to forgive me, but I felt a desire to try making a shakespearean style sonnet. Tell me what you think. And just so you know, I've never been really good at poetry, so go easy, but be honest.

What is this cruel fascination here?
Lifting me up, Taking me down again.
In your shadow cast, I sit in fear,
Waiting for the next lapse of pain.
Cold death from your dark hand on my brow,
Life anew from your fiery red glare,
How do you intend for me to live now?
Unattainable, angry face so faire.
Far too long I wait to stand and go
Risking all for your long embrace
Razors pierce my heart from fallen snow
Empty stare gives away my fall from grace.

Hate of desire, cold ice of warm fire,
Angel wings immolate on Demon pyre.

2004-09-10T22:20:00.000-06:00

lessee... really not much to talk about. I've been busy to say the least, and I dont expect it to calm down for another week or so. once all the big, beginning of the year projects are over and the pattern starts to come out things will be okay.

Like you realy want to know this, but I did a little construction on my deviantArt site. I took out some old ones... mostly because I didnt like them anymore. I guess thats one of a possible few reasons.

I need to start driving more... but with work sucking up weekends and school sucking up days... its hard to do anything else but work. I hate that. If thats what we have to look foreward to as adults then I almost support tearing appart the system. Letting chaos and anarchy run free seems as inviting, if not more, as dedicating my life to something and not really actually living. Its a rant... a long one... and one I dont have energy for right now... maybe some other time Ill post about it... maybe some other time...

2004-09-03T20:44:00.000-06:00

This blog entry is a special congradulatory entry dedicated to my Great Grandparents, the mother and father of my father's father.

Last week they celebrated their 63rd continuous wedding anniversary. Both are reaching the age of 90 years old and are still happy. They live in Van Wert, Ohio.

I was very happy to read the article. It gave a short description of their hobbies and then told of their family. Their children are Ed and Linda. Ed's children are Curt, Jason, Dave, and Debbie. Debbie's children are Stephen and Alina, Dave's are Derek and Ashley, Jason is deceased, and Curt's children are Brady, Devon, Caden, and Tyler is deceased. Im not so sure of Linda's family line, but she has children and they have children after that.

*sidenote* I discovered the last time I went out that I am the 5th cousin of The Wright Brothers. My Great Grandpa's their second cousin, my grandpa was their 3rd cousin, my dad is the 4th, and I am the 5th.

So a happy congradulations to the Knittle family across the generations.

2004-09-01T20:46:00.000-06:00

So tired... quick blog then its off to bed. I got another early morning tomorrow.

Normal day at school, except I had Kugler twice. I think he's lightening up. I think he wanted to tell the class what would happen over the year in a very blunt way to try and weed out those who are most likely inadequate. He's still pretty intimidating. I kinda "met" someone new today. He's actually on deviantArt so all that really happened so far is a couple comments and a short conversation. But he takes amazing pictures, and he lives in Switzerland. How cool is that! His name is *foukou I believe.

I guess the only big thing that happened today was something pretty cool. I got a really important letter in the mail today that proved to me that my parents may not be so stupid when it comes to the way colleges work. All these years they've told me that all years of high school count, not just the latter half. Granted the latter half weighs more in their eyes, they look at the beginning too. I never really took that fully into my mind but I assure you, its true. I got a letter from Washington University in St. Louis. Basically it said that they've been "keeping tabs on my acedemic record" and would like me to look into their stuff a little bit. They gave me an application to recieve a big program or something that will tell me more about what to look for when choosing college and everything I would need to know about America's top colleges. The end said something along the lines that they hoped I would keep Washington University in mind when looking for my future college.

Pretty cool huh?

2004-08-30T16:03:00.000-06:00

I feel so bad right now. I think I could cry if I wanted.

Today after school I went to get my schedule fixed. I wasnt signed up for a required class. So I needed to change that. Well I can say now that the day turns out to be pretty shitty.

SO I had to lose my off period. *shrugs* I kinda suspected that so its no big deal. But i also feel now that my schedule really sucks ass. Not only was my off period a mistake (I guess I wasnt supposed to get one this year, but instead I would only need to take minimum number if classes next year), but they assigned me one too many electives across this year. This explains my missing the LA class. Can you guess which elective they made a mistake in giving me? Thats right folks... the one elective that I was overjoyed to have first semester. The one elective that I wasnt able to fit into my schedule. The one elective I had to drop. The one elective I wont be taking until I'm a senior.
...
...
...
Yep... Psychology.

2004-08-27T21:24:00.000-06:00

So, I'm a bit torn right now. I have one of the coolest schedule's imaginable.
1 - Algebra - Long
2 - Shakespearian Lit. - Kugler
3 - French 3 - Rivette
4 - Psychology - Stahler (sp?)
5 - OFF!
6 - Chemistry - Sheoup (sp?)
7 - US History - Buffo

But the tearing part is that I will prolly have to screw it all up. I am lacking American Lit. which is pretty much a requirement. SO I'd want to be in 6th period lit which would change chem to 5th, losing my off period. I could live with that so its no biggie. I need to get psych second semester (even though I need to make the point that IT IS A FRICKING AWESOME CLASS!) so I can take it with Ashley so I'd switch that for a second semester class. I'm also thinking that switching out of AP US History was a bad idea. no disrespect meant but the people in my reg history class seemed a little slow witted. Other than that Im gonna keep everything as it is. If I give it up, I will miss my off period but it will mean that I get more off next year, which is what I was aiming for. I'd rather have a kick ass senior yearand work my ass off as a junior.

2004-08-26T20:04:00.000-06:00

Lets see...lots to talk about I guess.

Today Has been very kind to me. Of course there was the same rigorous test of getting up at 5 in the morning, but I'm getting used to it. So that wasnt hard. The hard part was the school day. Yes...school day. Being part of LINKS I had to be at orientation day. Overall it was a very good day. It was fun, I got to play the mentor to the newest and largest class to come to monarch. My group is cool too. None were the kind to revolt to doing stupid things on the first day, and none were the kind to do things just to spite me. Which I greatly appreciate by the way. Its one of my greatest pet peeves, having someone who does things merely because they are told not to.

But anyway, it was a good day. Gave a tour, answered questions, had neat heart to heart talks about ditching and studies, and I made a kick ass tie-die shirt yesterday that I am proud of. Hey, I had never done it before so anything would have been my best.

Also today I got my last CSAP scores, and I dont mean to brag, but I am a fuckin genius! Reading I am advanced. My score was 766 when 747 was the mark. In Boulder valley school district I am out of 18 percent of 10th graders to get advanced, and out of 10 percent in Colorado. In Writing I am advanced. I got 702 when the mark was 690. In BVSD I am out of 14 percent to get advanced and out of 6 percent in CO. (*falls over in awe*) In math... the big let down. I got 687 and the mark for advanced was 692. 5 FUCKIN POINTS! DAMN IT! but in any case, I am out of 35 percent in BVSD and out of 23 percent in CO.

I think its plain to see that I am pretty fuckin proud of those scores. Fuckin proud indeed!

2004-08-15T22:50:00.000-06:00

QUESTION!

Should I put my prose up on my deviantArt site? Or should I keep putting it here?

2004-08-15T00:24:00.000-06:00

I think I’m bleeding again. Standing alone in the dark where nothing lives anymore. Shadowed, and crumbling, I am pulsing out all that I could ever believe in. Nothing left. That’s all that’s left. Nothing. Like a returning echo, I’m only a gossamer copy. A floating etheral body that doesnt have the will to scream any louder than a whisper. Nothing truly there but with emotions all the same. Gone. All gone. Falling down deeper into the space that used to hold me down. But it’s empty. Just a shell. The case that used to be my body. Or maybe that was my heart. Yes, there it was. Now it’s gone. Just a hole. I would cry, but there’s nothing left for me to cry for. I can’t cry. I left already. I try to move away, as far away I can think of. But I’m still there. I can’t let go. Why not? I want to leave! I want to find something new! Someone new! Anything that can replace what has left me now. Summer birds too swiftly flown away or maybe the end of the last ember in the inferno. The last spark. The last chance.

Failure.

It’s like a silent tempest. Raging wildly, and tearing at my body with raindrops made of razors. Screaming, writhing, crying in agony. Shrieks of horror and of pain rend my ears useless. Knives, daggers don’t compare. A single tear, but what good is that? Nothing here to see it. Nothing here to help me. It feels like I’m tied to the past. Stuck in an ideal future that doesn’t exist because there is no longer a present time for it. A living memory that hasn’t happened yet. Why does it torment me so? But there’s nothing here. Just the emptiness. I need something to hold, but I’m floating here alone. Quiet and still. I can’t call out, because I left long ago. I tried to find what I lost. I can’t move away because it’s all right here with me. The hole growing ever bigger. Every word I let escape feels like a drop of acid rolling down my back. Eating away at the leftovers. Almost gone now. Ashes to ashes. Dust to dust…

Silence.
Emptiness.

2004-08-14T14:35:00.000-06:00

*does happy dance*

Tom is coming tomorrow! Tom is coming tomorrow! Tom is coming tomorrow! Tom is coming tomorrow! Tom is coming tomorrow! Tom is coming tomorrow! Tom is coming tomorrow! Tom is coming tomorrow! Tom is coming tomorrow! Tom is coming tomorrow! Tom is coming tomorrow! Tom is coming tomorrow! Tom is coming tomorrow! Tom is coming tomorrow! Tom is coming tomorrow! Tom is coming tomorrow! Tom is coming tomorrow! Tom is coming tomorrow! Tom is coming tomorrow! Tom is coming tomorrow! Tom is coming tomorrow! Tom is coming tomorrow! Tom is coming tomorrow! Tom is coming tomorrow! Tom is coming tomorrow! Tom is coming tomorrow! Tom is coming tomorrow! Tom is coming tomorrow! Tom is coming tomorrow! Tom is coming tomorrow! Tom is coming tomorrow! Tom is coming tomorrow! Tom is coming tomorrow! Tom is coming tomorrow! Tom is coming tomorrow! Tom is coming tomorrow! Tom is coming tomorrow! Tom is coming tomorrow! Tom is coming tomorrow!

*takes a breath*

So much to do! heh heh heh...gotta stalk random friends...show up at people's homes in the middle of the night... see movies...see old friends...videogames... the list goes on, as ive prolly said about a hundred times.

ooh! im so excited!

2004-08-12T22:36:00.000-06:00

I got a digital camera! *does a super happy dance* Oh yeah! Im gonna put up all sorts of pics. This is gonna be great!

5 megapixle, 3x optical zoom, 8x digital zoom! It has tons of features like panorama views, removes red eye after the pic is done, and the pic. mod. software that comes with it is really cool. ooh! I cant wait!

2004-08-11T21:06:00.000-06:00

Its amazing how simple things can strike so much thought and feeling into a single moment. Walking through that gold wheat field, running my palms across the tufts of softness that sprout from the earth. Like the gift of life it always comes back. No matter the season of winter. It feels like feathers drawn across the skin. The soft grace of angel wings closing in around the one you wish to embrace. A single touch of what wings must feel like, a single thought of how happiness is seen in the mind. Soft brushes made for painting. Spread wide for the color of the sky. Maybe it will make my hand colorful too. But no, nothing changed. Still the tormented shapes coming from my brush; why has it stopped? But still, they rush across my hand, reassuring their feel. Creation brought from touch.

The star falls, can you imagine what it would be like to lose something like that? The sky must be weeping for it. How many can it give up, until it loses all hope in keeping them held high? Or maybe its the angels. Maybe they are the reason why stars never touch th earth. Like a game for them. Tease the mortals, drop a star. Torment them, take it back. Could such a soft touch of wings truly have a dark side? Or maybe they are trying to get our attention. "Look to the sky," the say. "For this is where your future is. In life you will touch the stars, in immortal death you will live with them." Maybe thats why each has a guardian. One guardian to drop one star to save one hopeless human who, too often, looks to the sky in hopes of finding a ladder up, when all the stars can do is go down.

2004-08-09T21:52:00.000-06:00

*falls over onto floor* nice...comfy...floor...

So, Ive been kinda busy. Lessee... Today I finally got to see the end of EddieIzzard: Dress to Kill...its hilarious and I recommend it to any kind of eccentric yet open-minded person like me. I also got to see Circle, and Dress to Circle... Same guy but the last one was in frence...and the cool part was I understood a lot of it...

What else... My first day off work for a week and a half... its crazy, I know. Its making me go through my mid-life crisis right now. Obviously thats not okay because this shouldnt be my mid-life. But in any case it feels good.

IM ON DEVIANTART! woo hoo! Im so happy. Ive wanted to get on for a while but I was afraid I wouldnt have anything to post. But becasue of my photo award, they put my pic on the internet so its a piece o' cake to put it up. Here, go check it out!
http://seraph-wing.deviantart.com/

And Last but certainlynot least...Tom is coming in about 5 days. (He first gave me the wrong weekend so it is this comming weekend instead of last weekend.) Im so happy for that too. Its been too long to say the least. The only problem is that hes going to be here for so short of a time that its really sad. theres so much we want to do but hes only here for three full days. meet my friends, meet people from P2P, go see a movie, play hours upon hours of video games, go to Eliches...urgh! So much! But then I think that its his vacation and who am I to plan it all for him. Im such a controlling person and lately Ive really been seeing a lot of the scorpio side of me... but thats more of a personal thing. I hate it. I want him to have a good time...not for me to drag him along everywhere and just show him to everyone. thats not fun at all....

ah well... the last week and a half in a nutshell...such as my title suggests.

2004-08-03T22:37:00.000-06:00

ugh...Im so fucking tired right now...I dont even know why Im still awake... actually I do.
GOD DAMN FUCKING MOSQUITOS! WHATEVER GOD DECIDED TO CREATE MOSQUITOS NEEDS TO BE TURNED MORTAL AND STUFFED IN A ROOM FILLED WITH THEM!!!!!

So after work today I went to teh pool and swam about 22 laps. Mind you, I took a break between every set of two but hey. 22 is huge for me. I come home and get some food on a plate and take it out on our back porch and sit in somethign called a Sky Chair. Basically its like a chair meets hammock thingy. But anyway. I finish and of course by this time light has faded and the world of lights is sparkling on the horizon.

Its funny. I remember one night when Tom stayed over ( it was a long time ago cuz he still lived here) and we were out on my fence and just watching the sky and the city, because it was like there was a mirror on one side but you couldnt quite tell which side was the mirror. It is actually quite beautiful behind my house. But anyway, we somehow ended up talking about things we hold special in our minds. Memories and the like. I dont know why, it was perhapes very random, but I told him that I had found my treasure right there in the city. I remember thinking that because the lights sparkled like a light flashing off a gold coin and the stoplights and other colored lights were jewels. I was probably very tired but I still think of that today.

*blinks* Sorry, that was really random. I think i was trying to get the point across that it was really pretty and really calm sitting in my Sky Chair. So eventually I fall asleep. Very comfortable because its like sleeping suspended in mid-air. Nice breeze warm night. You get it. Maybe I wasnt asleep because I vividly remember twitching a lot. When I finally wake up I realize... there is about six mosquitos stuck to my leg. And its true what they say...if you flex while a mosquito is sucking blood, it will explode. So that was kinda gross. And really irritating cuz they wouldnt leave me alone. Needless to say, Ive been itchy, and I cant get back to sleep.

bah! Bloody mosquitos! Ill kill em' all! *falls over asleep*

2004-08-02T22:28:00.000-06:00

So, my superstitous side is working overtime right now.

I mean, it's not ominous in any way that one is staring at the moon, thinking of someone else and then one's nose begins to spontaniously bleed. That doesnt mean anything right? It happens all the time. Nosebleeds happen quite regularly for some people how can this one mean anything?

And the blood moon that rose over the horizon has nothing to do with it. And the end of the Blue moon, the moon of romance, ending with a blood moon cant mean anything. Its all just coincedance, right? It cant mean anything. And thinking of that one person cant be any cause, especially when you love that person. Its all just a big coincedance that happens to occure in a strangely ironic chain of events. A coincedential Coincedance. Easily explainable...

Right?

2004-07-30T20:29:00.000-06:00

It's Here!

Tonight is officially a Blue moon! The second Full moon of this month! Can you feel its effects already!? And right now, it is poised on the edge of the horizon like a huge ember ready to engulf the entire world in flames!

Its actually quite funny, the lore of a blue moon. A full moon is a sign of love in Astrology. So this month is especially full of love for those involved in relationships. And for those of us without a special someone... this is the best kind of moon to be looking under. In fact it is supposed to seal for eternity the love of two people who meet under one.

It is also a werewolf's worst night mare. Two transformations in one month can be unbearable. Losing control of your body and mind for two nights, having no control over whether you kill for best friend or a complete stranger. As it is now, I can understand why the moon is a scary thing. Bright orange, magnified by the angle of the Earth's atmosphere. It truly does look like a flaming rose, as it was described by ancient Celtic Druids. And there is one more thing that this moon symbolizes...

exactly eight days from now, the wrost terror will be unleashed upon our world in Colorado. Something is approaching that will affect each and every one who reads the rest of this post. Thos with weak constitutions shuld plan a vacation, for it is the only way to escape what is coming for the rest who stand by me to recieve the horror... to take part in the rampage.

Eight days from now....

Tom and I shall be reunited once again!
*evil laughter rings out across the open spanse of Colorado, eminating from every rock, every tree. In fear the mountians begin to quake as the day soon approaches...*

2004-07-28T00:05:00.000-06:00

I am rather pissy at my job right now. and I have every justification to be angry too.

So, monday. I was invited to the mall with some friends who I have not seen in avery long time. We hang out for about 45 minutes when I suddenly get a call from my mom at 5:15pm. Mom: "Hey Bud. I just got a call from Lakeshore saying that you are supposed to work today." Me: "No, I dont work today, I cover tomorrow." Mom: "Well you better call them..."

So I call Lakeshore. Front Desk: "Yeah, we have you schedualed to work today, 4 - 8." Me: "I'm sorry but I dont work mondays. I work Wednesday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. I also have plans this evening so I cant come in." Front Desk: "Well we have a problem because we have quite a few kids and only one or two teachers back with them." This is when Im thinking that for the sanity of my fellow coworkers I will go in a help even when Im not supposed to work. I go in, and there is four kids WATCHING A MOVIE! AND, THREE TEACHERS SITTING ON THEIR ASSES WITH THEM! So after that, I go to check the schedual...

I was assigned 11 extra hours on two different days without even being told nor asked if I could. 11 HOURS! With the way it is now, I work every day except Thursday. So Naturally Im a little angry. I go in to be help and I sit on my arse all day for four hours doing nothing. Not only that, but I wasnt told anything about this change, and I had to cut out all my time from my evening to make space for the job that I really didnt want to do.

Next! I go in today (tuesday) and Talk to my supervisor, and she is just as confused as I am. My biggest problem is that I agreed to cover some shifts long before this change but no one took that into account. So I go in early at 11 today to get it straightneed out... I end up working until 7... 4 more hours than I was supposed to work... all because someone did a f**k up job with schedualing and we were short four people. Not to mention that we reached our limit of 35 kids today. So think... two teachers with 35 screaming, wild, demonic, inherently evil children. With no help coming because, no, they have a life! Not Like I do huh?! *runs in circles waving arms and growling, yelling, and being angry*

So do I have a right to be angry with my job? YES!

2004-07-28T00:03:00.000-06:00

*sigh* so, Im told by a certain NAMELESS individual that I should give the name of the song lyrics that I posted. Its called "Who I am" by Smile Empty Soul.

2004-07-24T22:38:00.000-06:00

Another night again
Another journey without friends
Another fight to wish away the loneliness I live

Another circus show
Another face that I don’t know
Another night of people asking what I have to give
I thought that I would drown
But it’s okay right now

[Chorus:]And all the miles away I feel a part of me I have to fight
Buried somewhere deep beneath my skin
The emptiness in me is faded
And I can see my life is waiting
Now I know I’m living for who I am [2x]

The fire grows insideThe feeling cannot be denied
And everywhere I turn the size of guys they push me
And all has fallen down
But it’s okay right now

[Chorus:]And all the miles away I feel a part of me I have to fight
Buried somewhere deep beneath my skin
The emptiness in me is faded
And I can see my life is waiting
Now I know I’m living for who I am

And everything seems great and everyone is fake
No one really knows you
Look into their eyes
Rip off your disguise
Let them see the real you

[Chorus:]And all the miles away I feel a part of me I have to fight
Buried somewhere deep beneath my skin
The emptiness in me is faded
And I can see my life is waiting
Now I know I’m living for who I am [2x]

2004-07-23T23:04:00.000-06:00

*sigh*I'll have you all know that it smells positively divine outside right now. Rain again. Could you guess? I love this weather. Just sit by the window, with it open of course, and put on some music that you love, like a classical piano piece, or something from an orchestra perhaps. Now sit in a very comfortable chair facing the window, or if you're lucky like I am, lay on your bed next to the window and just close your eyes.

Listen to the notes mingle with the air. Those pure rings of some kind of emotion. Its funny how they so easily blend into the foggy blur of gray outside while it rains. Then it finally registers with you; nature is evtirely perfect in music. The rain falls in perfect musical time with your music, adding its own flute in lightning and percussion in thunder. The scent of the air saturated with music seems to fill every part of you, leaving no skin cell, no thread of hair unaffected by its therepudic touch. Its almost like a revival. Like the one waking moment after years of sleeping in dirt and red-hot pain. The one second where you open your eyes to see the gray-white sky give its water to bring you back to life. Cool, clean water rinses down your body and the heat subsides. The steam clears and you can see that it's the one moment when you know that life will be okay. You know nothing can change that until all the water in the sky has given its energy to you and you can rise again, with a kind of harmony singing inside. At what other time can you feel music in the air with the soft, tantalizing taste of rain around you? In this world, where Murphy's Law dominates indiscriminately, what other way can you get the feeling that nothing can go wrong with the moment because there is no possibility of something going wrong?

2004-07-23T22:51:00.000-06:00

Hope dangles on a string
Like slow spinning redemption
Winding in and winding out
The shine of it has caught my eye
And roped me in
So mesmerizing, so hypnotizing
I am captivated, I am

{Chorus}Vindicated
I am selfishI am wrong
I am rightI swear I'm right
I swear I knew it all along
And I am flawed
But I am cleaning up so well
I am seeing in me now the things you swore you saw yourself

So clearLike the diamond in your ring
Cut to mirror your intention
Oversized and overwhelmed
The shine of which has caught my eye
And rendered me
So isolated, so motivated
I am certain now that I am

{Chorus}

So turn
Up the corners of your lips
Part them and feel my finger tips
Trace the moment, fall forever
Defense is paper thin
Just one touch and I'd be in
Too deep now to ever swim against the current
So let me slip away (3x)
So let me slip against the current
So let me slip away (4x)

{Chorus}

My hope dangles on a string
Like slow spinning redemption...

I dont know why I like this song... well actually I do. Not only is the song itself very beautiful, its one that I can relate to. I know it sounds odd that I would say I can relate to proving my worth by defending, maintaining, or insisting on my recognition... but I think we can all see that in ourselves in some way...

2004-07-17T23:10:00.000-06:00

well...uhhh.... hmmm. Hard way to say this from all angles.

I guess there is a big chance we are moving. It's nothing serious. But it's still moving.

Sometimes I get so frustrated with my parents. Every year, "Oh, we might move here. No, wait. Lets move there. Brady get prepared to move." But we never do. You'd think I'd be used to it by now. Something about this though... it feels more sincere than the other attempts. We already have people coming in to look at the house. Some old family friends actually. They used to live across the street from us, but had to move away because of jobs. Now they want to come back...and with my parents eyeing other places...our friends just might take my parents offer for this house.

Like I said before, it's nothing serious. The new street is Animus Way, up by Eldorado. For Ashley, Jordy, Dede, and a few others, its just right above you guys. Within view of Eldorado actually. You know that little red and blue park behind the cul-de-sac? Its one of those houses. *rolls eyes, slaps forehead* Yeah, of course y'all know exactly what I'm talking about. Heck, you guys hang out there all the time! (did I just say "y'all?" This really does have me a little shaken...)

I dunno. Maybe its the new start that I've been looking for. Maybe its just enough to get me started on looking ahead at what i will be doing, instead of what I wish I was doing...

*sigh* more updates later...

2004-07-17T20:03:00.000-06:00

New game. Its called Heli attack 2. Once you get used to it... it becomes addicting. Like, beyond unhealthy addictive. Plus its fun to just repetedly blow things up...

2004-07-15T10:50:00.000-06:00

Wow...so... it has been a while, to say the least...

I guess you could say I've been busy. Actually I would rather you think that cuz' I really dont have another excuse for not posting other than it became an annoyance to do so. I have been doing things, relaxing mostly. Ive officially read 3 books over 300 pages each...and I still have about 6 to go. Mostly it's been the Vampire chronicles. I started on Lestat and now Im reading The Body Thief, with a brief break between Queen of the damned and this one to read Da Vinci Code. My God! Dan Brown is probably one of the most cunning writers I've ever seen. Damn near worthy of Shakespeare.

Ive also gone on a lot of vacation lately. Almost too much. First it was a road trip (begin nightmarish music in backgroud) to Ohio of all places. I hate going there because it reminds me of what lies ahead in my future. Retirement homes and old farms, antiques around every corner...and the decay of human perception through the deaths of the elderly. I have always loved my great-grandparents, and im old enough now to finally see just how old and fragile they are. Its kind of a shaking experience to have ol' granpa asking how old I am 8 times within the 20 minutes we saw him. No more short term memory. I really dont look forward to that.
Then we went on a trip to yellowstone...another road trip (bum bum bum!) I cant complain though. I loved it. Im not sure I want to do it again any time soon because there is a lot of driving involved and I hate being cramped in the car. But the geysers...and the hot springs! These things are amazing! Some seem to boil because of underground gasses and chemicals coming up from under ground...other are boiling because they reach temps above boiling point!I could live without the smell of the sulfur...maybe its just me but rotten eggs are not a favorite food item. (X_X) Old faithful was pretty cool too. It lasts about 2 and a half minutes and shoots water about 180 ft in the air. I was really bummed about missing my two most anticipated things. A couple springs actually. The Morning Glory Pool, and the Grand Prismatic Spring. The morning glory pool is a rather small spring, or so Ive seen in pictures, but its range in colors is amazing. In the very center its a beautiful carribean blue, then a sea turquoise, then a wonderous sunburst yellow, then a small ring of ember orange on the very outside. The Grand Prismatic Spring is the BIggest spring in yellowstone and is just as beautiful. Like the MG pool, it starts as a deep sapphire blue... close to cobalt. Slowly it melts into green and then into red, then to yellow, then to orange. I guess the cause is types of bacteria. Certain algea and bacteria can lie at different temps and they literally separate into bands of degrees. Amazing. Something else I loved that we did one morning. It was cheap, $10. It was something that requires concentration and a patient mind; It was mining! Heh... well to a degree. A store there had a working sluice and we were able to pan for gold, and other geological things. I chose to look for Montana Sapphires. I got Lucky too. These things are really really small but they are eternally beautiful to make up for it. I dunno, there's nothing like a raw jewel, imperfect and rugged, and yet in its most beautiful color, held in the palm of your hand.

So, yeah. "Busy" Reading and being dragged all across this godforsaken country through desert and forest alike...and I dont really regret it. It kept my mind off things like school and Links and life.

Speaking of which, I got my AP scores. Its good enough I guess. I wish I would have gotten higher...actually I prolly could have gotten higher if not for the many, stupid, and degratory mistakes that I should have seen. I got a 3 out of 5. Its a low college B so thats good enough for me. Especially in History. But I made a lot of really dumb mistakes that I could have rectified to prolly be as high as a 4. *sigh* Ah, well. I hear CU takes 3 for credit and in history too. Its funny how things just keep pointing to CU. In any case, Im glad I got higher than I expected. They way I felt after the test I expected a 2. I look back now and I know I prolly could have managed a 4. Average those and you get my score. So, its not too bad. Im just glad its over...and Im also glad that I wont have to take the AP US history test...*twitch* ew.

2004-06-23T07:35:00.000-06:00

ehhhhh...*sits down* I cant say Im tired because I've done a lot...But I think any kind of travel is tiring for everyone. Im here in Chicago right now...Illinois. Apperently I had the plan all mixed up from the start. At first we went east to Topeka, Kansas. From there we drove to St. Louis. Woo woo! I've never been to St. Louis before. You know, city with the Gateway Arch. Its a really cool city. I loved it for the two days we were there. There was all sorts of really cool buildings with rather old architechture...For ashley i got pictures...though I'm not sure how well they show the whole thing. Its one of those where you have to see everything to get the good feeling in the city.
Im not sure if its because I've never been to St. Louis before but I think St. Louis feels more alive...more...of a smooth feeling. In Chicago, dont get me wrong because its a great city, but it feels jagged, not entirely dead but well on its way there.

but anyway. After St. Louis we went to chicago (I drove there. OH MY GOD! Its the first time ive been above 45 mph...and I went above 45 miles per hour...and I went above it by 20-25 mph!) So today (Wednesday) we are leaving for Ohio (It's actually not Ohio, its in the state right next to it on the left. But usually we fly in so we have to fly in to Ohio and drive backwards to get there.This time were just driving there.) and then the plans are unclear. We either will come home then and be back by Saturday...or we will go to South Dakota for anywhere up to a week and be back next saturday...were not sure. I do want to go to South dakota but i also want to go home. I REALLY dont want to be there for a week because I am tired of being away from home. But I REALLY want to go because of the fabled Crystal mines there. I could bring you all a crystal or something...oh the horrible decisions...*swings hand to forehead in mock drama*

Hey! Guess what! I finished The Vampire Lestat and Am starting Queen of the Damned. OH MY GOD! Such awesome books! I want to write one like that but it would prolly turn out crappy. I go through ideas and stories like peeing water. Heh...little visual for you there. But yeah...I cant believe it took me this long to read this series. Why didnt you all start getting after me sooner!? (X_X)

Ill try to post again from the road later but...

CHAO! * makes little revving hand motion like on a scooter*

2004-06-16T21:10:00.000-06:00

*sigh* I feel so ignored right now... no one aside from ashley comments regularly on this blog...come to think of it no one other than ashley has commented since may...mid-may if I remember correctly...

And the sad part is that I even ask questions of the public and try to get opinions...but theres no point to that if no one's going to comment...I think fom now on I might start publicly asking Ashley since she's the only one whos gonna comment...and the Tag Board doesnt count! It has a 200 character limit! So dont even think about it!

2004-06-14T20:40:00.000-06:00

Fallen

Heaven bend to take my hand
And lead me through the fire
Be the long awaited answer
To a long and painful fight

Truth be told I've tried my best
But somewhere along the way
I got caught up in all there was to offer
And the cost was so much more than I could bear

Though I've tried, I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...

We all begin with good intent
Love was raw and young
We believed that we could change ourselves
THe past could be undone
But we carry on our backs the burden
Time always reveals
The lonely light of morning
The wound that would not heal
It's the bitter taste of losing everything
That I have held so dear.

I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...

Heaven bend to take my hand
Nowhere left to turn
I'm lost to those I thought were friends
To everyone I know
Oh they turn their heads embarassed
Pretend that they don't see
But it's one missed step
One slip before you know it
And there doesn't seem a way to be redeemed

Though I've tried, I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...

2004-06-14T11:55:00.000-06:00

Hey! I kinda found a neat thing on the internet...

Brady is the #571 most common male name.
0.014% of men in the US are named Brady.
Around 17150 US men are named Brady!
source namestatistics.com

Knittle is the #51004 most common last name.
0.0005% of last names in the US are Knittle.
Around 1250 US last names are Knittle!
source namestatistics.com

Check out your own here:
http://www.namestatistics.com/index.php

2004-06-13T21:17:00.000-06:00

I was just reminded of a conversation with a friend about the future...and somehow we got on the subject of killing people. This being a serious question: Can you see me killing a person/ people with no feeling at all?

Im just curious what the masses have to think...

2004-06-13T20:56:00.000-06:00

*sigh* Have you ever gotten the feeling that you're doing everything wrong? Lately, after having a rather deep talk with my best bud, Tom, I kinda worried that I've made huge mistakes in life. Its more than that, its just the many things that Ive realized since talking to him.

When people say to re-evaluate life, to look at things and sort things out "to find how they truly feel," What are they looking for? I seem to have an inability to think things through the way that many people do. If you could do only one thing that would make you eternally happy, what would it be? Only one. Only one single change. No more. How can one think hard enough to find only one thing? I....I dunno. I just cant. He said I needed to look at my feelings and decide things instead of letting them just grow like weeds. In that sense I did. I weeded out what it was that kept making me slightly miserable upon habitual occasion. Hope, and Desire. These two have been the cause of so many problems. In a way I imagined myself breathing out hope and breathing in pacifism, breathing out desire and breathing in contentedness. It sounds strange but It worked; I woke up that morning and I felt good. I didnt care that work was hell, I didnt hope to get off early and it made time go by much faster. Even something as simple as speech. I realized today, once when I was talking to a coworker, I said "I would wish for it," When subconsciouly I usually say, "I hope so." I had no intention of saying it like that. I gave up hoping many things and it feels now like Ive let go of balloons. They're all floating away. Its a very new change, and one that so far feels like a good one... but I have yet to see the negative side. Kinda a scary idea, I guess. Being able to breathe away emotions and thoughts....

2004-06-02T22:13:00.000-06:00

Heh heh heh... woo! Another batch of these Memegen things. They are so much fun! Okay I know your prolly getting tired of hearing them so I will move on to another less important topic...

TOMORROW IS THE LAST FUCKING DAY OF SOPHOMORE YEAR! OH MY FUCKING GOD!
Its about time. I guess I cant say that because the year really did go by in a blink of an eye. I hear some people are leaving... and that makes me sad. I liked the posse I met this year... so I decided to take pictures of everyone. I will remember who they are as long as I can see their face so it shouldnt be that bad. !!! No more Mainland for anything anymore! Thats sad too! I really wish I could get him a thank you gift or something. He is probably the best high school teacher I have had. And from what I hear from other upperclassmen, hes prolly the best I will ever have too. I cant believe how many good times I had in his room... and most had some relation to history! Who knew history could be funny? Of course...after Eddie Izard...Everything about history can be funny.
--"Babies on spikes!"
--*makes hand motion like accelerating on a scooter* "Chao!"

Oh my god...how sad...

!!! I almost forgot! I have to go type those Mainland phrases! Ill prolly post em' sometime soon...

2004-06-02T22:06:00.000-06:00

What would your Anime life be like? by hearthlight
Name:
Gender:
Your looks:	Short silver hair.
Your best friend:	A talking magical animal.
Your powers:	Everything.
Your beloved:	An ordinary person.
Your occupation:	Minion of evil.
Your ending:	Exactly as you'd want it.

Created with the ORIGINAL MemeGen!

Neat! Im a minion of evil! and in a previous Memegen, I had wings and fangs and used sherukin, and I have powers of everything... Mwa ha ha ha ha!

2004-06-02T22:05:00.000-06:00

Become a God or Goddess. by zerogirl
Name:
God/Goddess of	Nature
Element:	Lightning
Animal Companion:	Dragon
Weak against	Water
Weapon:	Rapier

Created with the ORIGINAL MemeGen!

2004-06-02T22:04:00.000-06:00

What is Your Destiny? by Valcion
Name
Color
Birthday
Destiny	Legendary Hero
Date when you fufill your destiny	December 17, 2010

Created with the ORIGINAL MemeGen!

ooh! wouldnt that be nice?

2004-06-02T22:01:00.000-06:00

A very "special" dictionary. by lily22
Look up:
Definition:	One who is addicted to bubble wrap.

Created with the ORIGINAL MemeGen!

Apperently, my e-mail/IM laugh means: one who is addicted to bubble wrap... amusing isnt it....

2004-06-02T22:00:00.000-06:00

At your ten year high school reunion... by robbiewriter
Your school name
Your name
Your job will be	Porn star
You will be worth	$696,918
Everyone will think you	are really hot

Created with the ORIGINAL MemeGen!

2004-06-02T21:59:00.000-06:00

Your Husband Generator by Lady_Galadriel
Name
Your Husband Is
You Met	at anne summer's party
You Have	3 children
You Live	spain
In	a large house
You And Your Partner Are Best Known For	all the sexul romps anywhere and everywhere...

Created with the ORIGINAL MemeGen!

You know, sadly, this post really doesnt support the one previous to it...

2004-06-02T21:56:00.000-06:00

Gay or Not Gay? by tashay17
LJ Name
Favorite Color
Gay or Not Gay?	In denial. So come out already!

Created with the ORIGINAL MemeGen!

alas, it seems that many people think so... Im told its the first impression I give...

2004-06-02T21:51:00.000-06:00

What will your Funeral be like? by rashock
Username
You will die by:	Mysterious unsolved murder. The killer was never found and neither was your body. Your casket is empty and you family mourns till this day in hopes that you are still alive or died a swift death.
Death Date:	October 18, 2063
Number attending your funeral?	72
How much will you leave to friends and family?	$4,918,104

Created with the ORIGINAL MemeGen!

DUDE!!! Okay you wanna know something freaky?! the death test from that other really big website said the same day...i think. It is for sure the same year... and the month sounds very familiar...*shudder* creepy...

2004-05-30T21:37:00.000-06:00

Okay, so the previous posts are from a new addiction. It was introduced by a friend of mine on her blog. I think Im addicted...

2004-05-30T21:35:00.000-06:00

Generate your Anime Style by Jena-su
Name:
Hair:	Rediculously long, usualy tied up in ribbons.
Clothes:	Long, super cool trenchcoats.
Powers:	Light magic
Special Features:	Fangs and Wings
Sidekick:	A small fairy that can get real annoying, real fast.
Attitude:	Overprotective of those you care about.
Weapon:	Shuriken

Created with the ORIGINAL MemeGen!

2004-05-30T21:34:00.000-06:00

What do people really think about you? by Raven319
Name
Age
favorite song
Parents think	You're an angel
Strangers think	You're hot
Friends think	You're wonderful

Created with the ORIGINAL MemeGen!

**Side-note: Well, i dont mean to toot my own horn (ew! heh heh heh...) but I would say they got it right...:-)

2004-05-30T21:33:00.000-06:00

Who were you in a past life? by Kat007
Name:
Birthdate:
Favorite Color:
Country:
You were most probably:	A ninja
If not then you were:	Tutankhamen

Created with the ORIGINAL MemeGen!

2004-05-30T21:32:00.001-06:00

Okay, So I'm addicted.... Thank's a lot Katy! ;-)

2004-05-30T21:32:00.000-06:00

Your Stripper Info by radioface
first name
age
Stripper Name:	Kandy
Specialty:	scoring lapdance customers
Customers say:	"There IS a god..."

Created with the ORIGINAL MemeGen!

2004-05-30T21:31:00.000-06:00

What Makes You Sexy? by eva71
Name/NickName
Gender
Sexy Body Part Is	Everything
Special Talents Are	Stalking Your Prey

Created with the ORIGINAL MemeGen!

2004-05-30T21:29:00.000-06:00

Your Homicidal Rampage! by crash_and_burn

Your name:

Weapon of Choice:

Really Big Sword

Your Favorite Target:

Goths

Your Kill Count:

1,828,237,925

Your Battle Cry:

"Touch me, I'm happy!"

Years You Spend in Jail:

How Much Money In Damages You Cause:

$192,969,359,442,647

Your Homocidal Insanity Level:: 97%

Created with the ORIGINAL MemeGen!

2004-05-30T21:27:00.000-06:00

Your Sexual Profile (you sexual deviant you...) by sparkledee
Name
Your Secret Kink Thing	You swing both ways. Often.
Your Sexual Strength	How hot you look in lingerie.
Your Sexual Weakness	You are afraid of lesbians.
Your Likely STD	You're clean!
How Many Partners in Crime?	Orgies count as many...SLUT!

Created with the ORIGINAL MemeGen!

2004-05-30T21:23:00.000-06:00

Who will you be stuck with at end of time? by chi_a_baidh
Your name is
Your sex is
Your favorite color is
You are stuck there because	you can't die
For _____ years	32
With	Jackie Chan. Click for pic.
He/She will think you are	clever
You will	live in peace

Created with the ORIGINAL MemeGen!

**Side-note: Jackie Can?! WTF?!

2004-05-30T21:22:00.001-06:00

Your Love Situation by Amberishjewel
Username?
Your Love Is...	Fiery
During Lovemaking You Act...	Like a vampire, very seductive
Your Partner Is...	Your soulmate
Your Partner Has Said That You...	Are extrodinary
Your Love is Summed Up In A Quote.	"I love thee wild with desire"

Created with the ORIGINAL MemeGen!

2004-05-30T21:22:00.000-06:00

What will your last words be? by cum_on_bitch
Your LJ username
Your real name
Your sex
Your age
Your last words will be...	"this pain it'll go away soon, right?"

Created with the ORIGINAL MemeGen!

2004-05-26T17:52:00.000-06:00

Okay so I put up my links... they ar a bit outdated so one by one I'll be replacing the least important ones. Already I put in a game called Snake!... its actually very fun... ever played snake on a cell phone? this is like that except much better...

Give it a try!

2004-05-20T19:11:00.000-06:00

Okay well, Im bored again. I want to write another story but Im having trouble finding a topic. I'm thinking:
--murder story, somehow adding in a vampiric element.
--new world adventure story thingy...I have no idea what it would be a bout.
--or just another hero story

Well what do you think? any ideas?

2004-05-18T23:03:00.000-06:00

Dear god I think I'm about to rip the hair out of my head! WHY DO THE DAYS GET LONGER WHEN THE END OF THE YEAR GETS CLOSER!? WHY MUST WE BE TORTURED!?

*pause* okay I'm done. Its just that we have only 16 days total left of school and I dont think ive ever looked forward to it as much as I do right now. Its taunting me! every day grows longer and longer in silent mockery of my anticipation. So little time is left but it seems to stretch out to the horizon when I look ahead.

I dont know why I feel so restless. I think its because I dont like school anymore. no matter how much people try to persuade me, I cant enjoy the repetitive cycle that we are forced through over and over. We are allowed very little liability as well. We get punished for little mistakes, we are put through hell by pressure and tests and exams and everything else that symbolizes school. And to think we still have a probable 6-8 years of it left. I cant take it!

I think I'm really going to enjoy the summer vacation...

2004-05-14T21:21:00.000-06:00

I was just made awares of the inaccruacy of my blog clock by a friend of mine. Hopefully the clock is right now. The time at teh end of this post should be in the vicinity of 9:22. Thanks to that friend of mine!

2004-05-13T21:51:00.000-06:00

It was not long ago that I would have stayed out this early. The sunrise was getting closer by the moment and I was only beginning to get used to its bright face. I had spent the last 67 years hiding in dark holes, sewers, and any filthy grotto that would hide me from its touch, but now the age had come where I could stand out and bear its power once again. This would be only the thrid time since i had been bitten that i would stay and face the sun. After all, the consequence of premature exposure was a hideously painful death by incineration. Not something that I would appreciate especially after waiting these long years for the moment I could emerge again.

Supposedly I was almost 75 years old, but I know that you wouldnt be able to guess it. I was bitten when I was only 17 years of age. I still remained exactly how I looked back then. I still had my sapphire blue eyes, still had the shoulder length dark brown hair pulled back, still had the same body shape. But it was clear that I had aged somehow. My friends used to tell me that I felt older. Of course it's been nearly 70 years since i saw them. Most were probably lying in their coffins by now.

I shuddered at the thought. Lying lifeless under six feet of dirt while people wasted tears on a meaningless memory that they would most likely forget in a year or two. There were two things that I hated most. I sat on the corner of the building running over my past, staring into the direction of the warming horizon. It was only a soft glow right now; I had a little while. Death itself was alwasy something that I feared. The thought of fading from existance and never embracing life. Its almost ironic that I chose to die in order to live. To cut my life away from me like age-old cobwebs in the corner of a crumbling house. Ever since I chose to accept the "lifekiss," I had always wondered my reasons for doing so. What was it that i wanted to keep? Why was I so afraid to give up what I had been given?

It was then that the sun came bursting up over the hills in the distance. Orange light bathed over me like a tidal wave over the beach. It had almost the same effect as well. I nearly fell over from the sheer power and beauty in the glowing star. This. This was what it was that I wanted to see for so long. So much in one small thing that it was impossible to grasp just how much I had missed this image. In my dank holes I would imagine all the beauty of my "life" trying to prove to myself that that was the reason of my existance. But I had always failed in some way to truly convice myself that I was working toward something. But this proved me wrong all over again.

Just above the horizon, the sun reminded me of a drop of blood. It seemed to hover like the stillness just before the plunge. It was a russet, reddish haze that rippled with the early morning warmth. With the sunrise still so young, the ripples of the mirage were still very clear. Slowly the sun rose higher but the yellows and pinks still rippled across a wisp of cloud that was floating listlessly above the sun. What a show i had lost. No memory could compare to the power that i felt growing in my heart. It was almost like I was watching this happen in my soul instead of in the real world. This was a symphony by the greatest of composers. The drums and brass giving a body and strength to the song while the strings and winds would play a solid and yet soft tune that sang of life, without any words. A tear slowly crept down my face as a soft breeze lifted the loose sections of my hair into the air. Finally I had gotten my answer. I had been waiting to see this again. This was the feeble hope keeping me alive even in death.

I was waiting to see the beauty that the world could still have. And to think that I would have to endure watching this set and rise again and again as I built up more resistance to the sunlight. The loss would be so unbearable at first. To lose beauty... that seemed worse than giving everything up.

I stood up on my little corner of the roof of the building. Feeling the last little gust of air swirl around me, I took one last look at the completed sunrise and smiled. I had at last found myself again. I could come out of hiding. I no longer had to run away from the day. I was now a part of it.

I stepped off the edge of the roof, feeling the air rush around my body and through my flapping clothes. Pushing with my mind against the concrete rushing up at me, I landed reasonably softly on the sidwalk and looked down the long empty street. This could be my home now. I smiled and made my way toward the end of the street bathed in orange, yellow, and red sunlight. I didnt have to be afraid anymore. I was alive...I was home.

Okay so yes, I am really really REALLY bored. So I figured I would try to write a short story. How do you like it? I know, its lacking in detail, but what can you expect at 10:30 at night?

2004-05-11T23:15:00.000-06:00

Alas, and today started with such promise. But it seems that some things were meant to be made on this day.

I had a bit of an encounter with memory today. Sometimes good, sometimes bad. This time was very bad. I dont know how but i began to think about all the losses that I have had in my life. I sound very selfish always talking about how things are effecting me, and I am not happy. Just so much turmoil it seems.
--My uncle: I never actually knew him but he has had a huge impact on my life. Not only do I get told that I look a lot like him, but he was the one who gave me my hate for alcohol. he was killed in a car accident where he was dunk, from celibrating his graduation from collage as one of the greatest jewelers of his class. He was going to be accepted into one of the top diamond businesses today.
--Tyler: My little brother. For those who dont know, He died when he was 4 years old and when I was 7 or 8. Major heart complications from birth. This little guy went through 7 heart operations over the course of four years. He was such a strong person that no one could ever show the strength he did in a four year old and I am willing to argue anyone who thinks otherwise. But he died at 3 in the morning, when I was sleeping. I was never able to say goodbye or say that i loved him. In fact I had been the average big brother. The torturer. the one who caused more trouble for him than he probably needed. And yet he never said a bad comment about anything. he had been through so much, brushing death twice that I can remember, and he never ha done complaint.
--Tom: kinda another biggie. We became best friends. More than that, brothers. We actually discovered the possibility that we could be distant cousins. All over the course of one year. Its hard to explain feelings. This problem seems to happen alot when discussing emotions. Words ruin the meaning. He moved away. Needless to say it was not fun or a happy day. He left a week before christmas. The last I saw of him was at the school dance at P2P and even then I was not able to tell him goodbye either.

And now, my great-grandfather is expected to die within the next two weeks. He went through a bad bought of it this last week and is not expected to get through it. Not to mention his wife has had constant strokes over the last month, but wont admit to them. And my other great-grandparents are having heart attacks and alzheimers disease. Not a fun time for me to say the least.

I dont know why its having such a big effect but i just feel kinda down. like ive gone through a lot and have the saem thing to go through again and again. I feel old. Like ive been worn away. Like Ive lived for lives upon lives and yet cannot reach the bliss of death. (no Im not suicidal or anything). I just cant seem to find a break. When something good happens, there is always something bad to cancle or make worse the situation. Damn Murphy's law...

2004-05-10T21:30:00.000-06:00

Okay...Completely new skin...

Im feeling an inner feeling of green... no I'm not sick... i just liked the color of this green with black... how does my public like it?

and I even put the clock and number guessing game in...

2004-05-10T19:53:00.000-06:00

Comment testing...

2004-05-10T19:01:00.000-06:00

Well, I'm done. Boy that was more work than I thought I was gonna do fo it but hey.. the outcome is mildly awesome. There are a few miner discrepincies but I will deal with them...someday.

--I got the clock to work. (yay!)(but it goes behind the panels so only some places actualyl show it.)

--I put my picture up top. (Yay!) (but the stupid ad is in the way and puts it on top of the other picture...)

--Colors are still a little experimental but whatever pleases my audience...heh heh heh (as long as it will work with the overall scheme)

2004-05-10T17:53:00.000-06:00

Right... uhh.... Im trying a new Skin but I had to do a lot of editing so bear with me....

2004-05-08T23:08:00.000-06:00

Hmmm... just a story that I wrote... I based it heavily off of a story in a Warhammer book so it may sound strange. Enjoy anyway...

The last two groups of hunters, who Greyson had sent to explore the possible access ways to the sewers of Mevora, had returned. Greyson’s superiors had hired the black-clad Assassin and his following to aid Greyson in his hunt for the undead that were reported lurking in the sewer’s depths again.
“The South entrance is closed, Sir. Sealed by a heavy Iron Gate. From the looks of it, it’s new. There are also footprints everywhere, fresh as well as old. Could be bad.” A gruff voice from one said to Greyson.
“The East entrance is the same, though there were no recent tracks around the gate.” The leader from the second party said. Greyson’s lip curled as he turned towards the leaders of the groups.
“What about the West entrance?” He barked. “Is that blocked too? Speak!” He nearly shouted.
“Eh, well, no, Sir. The West gate has long since been abandoned. But good reason why. It’s surrounded by ancient graveyards that act as a buffer zone into the sewers. But…” The hunter started, but Greyson interrupted.
“But nothing. Do you wish to get paid? Then we have work to do.” Greyson finished the conversation himself by walking off to his tent. A small swish at the entrance announced a visitor. “Come.” Greyson said loudly. In walked one of the assassin leaders.
“Are you sure this is the wisest decision, Sir? I could send for reinforcements and we could find a way to open the gate.” His voice was held steady but Greyson knew that there was fear beneath it.
“Don’t tell me you are afraid of fighting a few zombies. Would you rather be on the front lines fighting off demons and devils and the like?” Greyson hardly looked up as he searched for his weapons. He placed his dagger on his belt, stashed a few throwing stars in his belt as well and looked around for his sword.
“No Sir. But the age of the cemetery is what worries me. By now, all would be undead, and there could be even darker things beneath the surface.” The leader was trying to persuade Greyson otherwise, but Greyson knew that his mind was set. Finally finding his blade he pulled it onto his belt and faced the assassin. He was young, which explained why he was questioning the idea.
“You reported that the gates were closed. The West entrance is all that we have and a few zombies won’t stop us from keeping our duty. I believe that in the end you will see the wisdom in my decision. But until then I would suggest that you play along.” Greyson pushed past the assassin and gathered his small troops and headed off towards the Western Cemetery.

The cemetery was ancient and had probably been long since filled up with corpses from past wars for many centuries. Vines, moss, and other plants covered the walls and gravestones, while a thin mist covered the whole space. As they grew closer in silence, Greyson noticed that the ground around certain areas was dug up and thrown aside like an animal was trying to get down into the dirt. Or perhaps as if the occupant had decided to dig up from below.
These were telltale signs of the presence of the undead. Greyson smiled. His mission must be a success, because he much rather preferred to take a wound from the undead than explain to his General that he had failed to carry out the command. The group on men huddled close together in the ghostly silence of the graveyard. Greyson was the first to notice the crypt that would allow the access to the sewers below. Greyson stepped up to the iron door and gave a small push to see if the door would open easily. To his surprise the entire door fell from its rusted hinges to slam a loud, echoing bang down into the darkness. Like an eerie repetition, the sound continued on and on getting only slightly quieter as the slam went deeper into the crypt. “Well, I guess that’s a welcome. Be on your guard, but hold your ground. Run and I will personally see that you lose more than your promised pay.” Greyson growled before disappearing into the black crypt.
The hunter groups were approaching a set of stairs that would lead them into the final area before the sewers when a weird noise rose from far beneath them. It was an extremely high pitched scream, like a razor assault on the ears of the men. The scream stopped as quickly as it had begun, but Greyson had a strange feeling that that was not all that they would encounter. Cold sweat and dread crept up Greyson’s spine as he pressed on with cowering men behind him.
It was then that the undead attacked: stumbling and crawling in pieces from the shadows. Skeleton warriors stepped almost comically wielding rusted swords and rotten wooden shields. The men behind Greyson froze and seemed on the verge of running but Greyson drew his sword.
“Now! Don’t let your fear kill you! Draw your weapons and slay the filth. They die easier than you expect!” Just to prove his word, Greyson pulled a throwing star from his belt and threw it at the nearest skeleton warrior. The neck split apart and the skull clattered to the ground a split second before the rest of the bones fell with it.
Inspired by the leader’s bravery and power, the assassins soon followed by drawing their own swords and engaging the slow-witted enemies. “You see?” Greyson shouted as he cleaved another skeleton in two. “They are too slow for us. Press the attack!” He seemed to be speaking just for the sake of speaking. He wanted to show that they were no match for him and he could spare energy talking. The last fell to the stone floor and Greyson sheathed his sword. “The entrance is close. Follow me.” He moved forward, less cautious than before.
The next attack was not as announced as the first. With a nasty snarl, Ghouls jumped from the corners of the room the men had entered and pounced on the unexacting assassins. Ghouls were a little bit harder to take out. They were not as slow as the skeletons, and their claws could do even more damage than the old, rusty blades of the skeletons. Greyson drew his dagger and dashed into the fray putting a slight advantage to the battle. Though the assassins were armored and better equipped, the numbers that they fought off were at least twice the men that had ventured out. Soon there were a few bodies of men lying on the floor twitching from the toxic claws of the ghouls. Soon the attack was staved off. The remaining ghouls turned to run from the band of men, but Greyson would not have a single one escape. “After them!” He shouted as he rushed forward with his dagger ready. Soon though, as Greyson entered the next room, seeing the ghouls standing behind a large marble sarcophagus, he stopped puzzled. They stood scratching and taping in fear, as if something would come and save them.
Slowly, the heavy lid fell to the side, pushed off easily but a taloned hand that emerged from within. A large creature rose from the cold bed and the ghouls knelt, or as well as their demented bodies could kneel. The smell of death and ancient power reached Greyson’s nose. This new monstrosity was just as terrifying as the ghoul force had been. The assassins, in awe and fear of this new monster, began to step back a few steps. Its body was nearly three times bigger than a man’s and three times more built with muscle. The creature reminded Greyson of a bigger older Ghoul, but instead of the small claws of the ghouls, this monster had claws that could double back and reach the elbow. Thick and razor sharp, the creature opened its pale green eyes and looked around at the men with a kind of evil intelligence that made Greyson think that the monster thought only of them as prey. The great power froze Greyson where he stood and the rest of the men with him. With speed almost faster than the men could see, the monster dashed forward bearing its gigantic claws. Two men were impaled faster than they could draw weapons to defend. They twitched twice before falling limp. The rest scattered trying to find somewhere to run. Another was lifted off the ground and torn in two by the incredible power of the monster’s hands. The rest either turned to the ghouls that surrounded them or ran out the door to the waiting ghouls that tore them apart.
Greyson smiled at the opponent. He knew he would stand and fight. He would kill this monster and then every ghoul that stood in his way to freedom. Slowly he drew his sword, which began to glow with blue energy in the presence of the vampire. The magical enchantments upon the edge alerted him to the presence of undead and scalded any undead flesh that it came into contact with. Watching Greyson with one eye, the monster knelt down and began to drink the flowing blood from the men it had killed.
“Vampire.” Greyson said with a tone of hatred in his voice. “This is why the cemetery was abandoned.” The blue energy crackled across the blade in a dance of war and battle.
Without warning, the vampire leaped and attached itself to the crumbling ceiling of the room. Greyson heard the Ghouls getting closer to the door behind him. He had only one choice; kill the vampire. Slowly under the watchful eye of the vampire, Greyson wrapped his hand around a throwing star. The vampire shifted its gaze to the glowing blue blade held high in Greyson’s hand. The louder sounds of the ghouls made Greyson take his move. He threw the star at the vampire with all the speed and power he could muster. In a quick, but lazy speed, the vampire deflected the star with a claw then turned back to Greyson and pointed one clawed talon at him. The string of hissing arcane words that slid from the vampire’s mouth seemed to have no effect at first. But soon as the vampire continued to whisper the spell, the blade began to grow heavy in Greyson’s hand. His once stead arms, began to shrink and wrinkle. The iron hauberk that had protected Greyson from the attacks before now weighed him down until his back bent like an old man’s. In horror, Greyson watched as his strong, broad hands wrinkled and twisted into that of an elder. His long brown hair that hung in front of him seeped into gray and thinned until his scalp began to show through it. Greyson realized what the vampire was doing. It was an aging spell. It was turning every second into a year for Greyson’s body. He was dying of old age as if time danced around him and stole year after year until there was none left. Greyson lost his courage and turned to run but the heavy armor was too heavy for his twisted body. His legs gave out and he fell to the floor. Greyson’s body dissipated into dust before it hit the ground, never to rise again.

The Ghouls feasted on the corpses of the men but the vampire lord was far too interested in Greyson’s weapon. With delicate claws, he picked up the glowing blade and twisted it slightly between two claws. For a while the creature simply sat and admired the weapons. It tested the energy a few times by tapping the blue aura around it to have it flicker and send a small amount of energy at the vampire before disappearing back into the sword. Then he returned to a dark alcove hidden in the broken wall where he dropped the weapons on a heap of other weapons, jewels, other magical items, and gold coins that he had collected during the long centuries of his “life.” A strange yet happy smile split the devilish face of the vampire.
“One new present for Master. Yes. Nice, shiny present for Zacharias.” The monster whispered rubbing its talons together maniacally in the dark.

2004-05-08T00:21:00.000-06:00

Yet with my nobler reason 'gaitist my fury
Do I take part: the rarer action is
In virtue than in vengeance: they being penitent,
The sole drift of my purpose doth extend
Not a frown further.

God I love Shakespear. (The Tempest. V.i)

2004-05-03T21:31:00.000-06:00

Did anyone see the aura** around the moon yesterday? Tonight is actually the second night that we have had a full moon. But yesterday is something to take note of. **A moon aura is distinguishable circles of color/light that are concentric about the moon. Usually they are a sign that something of great importance in the near future.

Yeserday was the biggest aura that I have ever seen on the moon. At first I couldnt see it. i could only see a few rings and then it faded into the night sky. But then I noticed a ring that was after that. It was HUGE! It took up so much of the sky, but it was barely noticable unless one was looking for it. But looking at the whole thing was so amazing. I can truly say that I am touched deep inside. it was one of those experiences that you wish you could share with everyone but you already know that they would never understand. The moon seems so sad sometimes. Pale, covering the stars, the only large thing in the night sky.... do you think that all the moon wants is someone to talk to?

2004-05-03T20:54:00.000-06:00

You wanna hear somethign kinda scary... 38 hours and 45 minutes until the AP History test. *falls to floor convulsing* I really dont like that... when you convert days into hours it sounds so small. I mena.. we go through 24 hours in one day... 38 is way too little to be ready.

I kind of realized somethign funny today. I ABSOLUTLY, TOTALLY, and with the utmost PASSION, hate history. I would give anything to get rid of it forever. It's great and all that we can look back and see where we came from but there is only a select few who really click with it. I am not one of those people. It is way too linear/chronological and too much memorization for me to like. I'm more of a jumpy, connetion, artsy sort of person. I AM NOT A TEXTBOOK PERSON!

And yet there are so many different ironies that i can point out...I took an online test that said the profession I was most likely to become as an adult was a teacher (art or history). In a personality e-mail thing one question was what my friends thought of me being. All but one said a History Teacher. the other said Photography AND History teacher. And one of the biggest ones... Im in a college level History class. I say I hate it but why am I so advanced when it comes to that subject. (I use the word advanced very loosely because advanced is the level but not the attitude I take about it.)

Honestly I can only hope that If I do become a History teacher, that I am as good as Mr. Mainland. If I had to be one, then he would be my idol. I would want students to think of me as a friend with teacher on the side. (I just realized how funny that sounds. Every teacher says that, "I want to be your friend before I am your teacher..." LOL) I mean, he is so cool when it comes to this idea. He jokes around about the stuff that funny to teens, students barely read (at least at the end of the year) yet they still manage to get everything that was in the reading just by discussing the chapter in class, and he's fun! Who can think of a different teacher who bounces around the class like a 9 year old on caffeen and speed? Not one comes to my mind...good luck with that one.

*sigh* here I go again, thinking about the future. Why am I such a distance seer? I look into the possible futures, and pay no attention to the past, while detesting the present. ... ... ... when you think about it, thats so hopeless. Only the past can shape the present and only the present can shape the future. *sigh again* Life is too complicated. It needs to be less relying on one thing. ... ... ... Too many wishes that I recall, too many places in which I can fall. Along this beaten path I'm on, away to the distant horizon. Is there an end to this empty line? because at the end I'll be just fine.
(Okay really bad. Im sorry you had to endure that lame ass lyric thing. I dont even know what that was...)

2004-05-01T11:57:00.000-06:00

Whew! okay...I think I got the archives to work... just make sure you click on the date and not the word "Archives" if you are truely that interested. Special thanks goes out to Ashley who gave me the code for it all...THANK YOU! :-)

2004-04-30T21:46:00.000-06:00

You know what? Living alone is one of the worst possible things I've ever done. Having so much crap to deal with constantly makes me wonder about life when I move out from under my parents roof. This weeked my parents are in Ohio saying a last goodbye to my Great Grandfather who quickly fell ill. This is very sad but he said he was very happy to live to his age. I mean...he is so old, I dont even remember what decade he was born in. I think he's somewhere around 95. i could be wrong. But anyway, back to the subject. I have the house to myself for four days. Awesome right? Well yeah. I mean, a teenage guy, living alone, with absolute freedom for a period of time. It's great...until the dishes need to eb done, and the trash needs to be taken out, and the animals need to be fed daily, and the cat litter box needs to be scooped every morning, and I have to walk to work, and I have to keep the house locked from buraglers (which we have had a lot lately. Im getting paranoid.), and the dog pooped on the carpet again so now that needs to be taken care of.

Is this what life should be like? Is living alone so...dreary? My god! what are we growing up for? To live as servants to ourselves? I understand that as we get older, it becomes easier but really! It's so much work. Not to mention that when we are living by ourselves, while doing this at home stuff... we will most likely be in collage doing our thesis and work for other stuff... and most likely have a job to uphold in order to stay alive so we can continue doing these chores. Man thats a hopeless cycle if I ever saw one. When does life get a chance? When do we finally get to try giving life a chance by ourselves? After collage? Wouldnt you say that we already dedicate too much time to school? It's hopeless...

Obviosuly I'm questioning everything again. Im kinda depressed now because we stil have minimum, 6 years of school left. That's 37% of my life. thats more than a third to go through. And that 37% will be the basis of the next 47 years after (based solely on statistics...ya never know...i might win the lottery). Now assuming that I live to be 90 years old... Ive spent 22 in school and 47 in a mindless job trying to balance life and money. thats 69 years. Assuming that the retirement law remains the same..I reire at 65 to "live" out the last 25 years of my life past my prime and trying to get over back pain or stomach pain...just old age in general. 25 years of living at the end of our lives in the worst condition, and 22 years at the beginning, spent in a plain building memorizing textbook info, in our best shape so we can spend 52 percent of a 90 year life reaching that old and decrepit form. What a sad prediction of life...

2004-04-28T20:18:00.000-06:00

Wow, quick little side note. This is my Teen Horoscope for today:

What seems like a crisis at school may not be so bad if you just put it into perspective a little bit -- it's going to be challenging, sure, but you're more than equipped to handle it

And i can't believe how accurate it is. Getting a bad grade in history is never good. And it seems that no matter how hard I try to do well, I fail and always lose the grip that i had before. This fear also stems from the AP test. Yes, I've been told before that it's not such a big deal and its probably not when looking at it in the big picture. Same goes for history. So I wont be a history major in collage...am I supposed to be worried about that? I guess a little advice can go a long way....

2004-04-28T19:59:00.000-06:00

Okay well here's a story for you. A friend of mine gave us a challenge to try to discover our "inner subconscious" by emptying the mind and wrting/typing all that came to mind. Now my version is a little different becasue I probably did it differently. Today while I try to empty my mind by my computer, I put on piano music. Calm, slow yet fast, happy, sad. It all seemed to be right there in the song. But before I notice, I'm asleep. And believe it or not, I guess, I dreampt of the song. Now, please realize that my description is of the dream but i feel that it can somehow be connected to me. And also, my description is only what i remember. It was such a complicated dream that felt real in some way. I actually remember some questions that I must have "dreampt." Plus these descriptions are only a slightly poetical way to describe what i remember feeling/dreaming. But please, dont ridicule me too much...

The song that plays through me is what keeps me alive; the ghostly notes that quiver upon existence in a thin gossamer thread tie into my very soul. The notes escalate and soon I am thrown around like the wind of a storm, but still the music plays through me. The power of the song grows deeper and deeper as I spin. Colors wash over me as the wind lifts me up and away. Blues, greens, purples, and whites pour over me like a waterfall. The thunderous roar of the rapids, beneath me, rises up and consumes all that I am. I become what the music says. Speaking the notes like a rhyme of thunder over the clouds. Roaring louder and louder until they have shaken me beyond words, only song; only the song plays on. A Tempest of life. Whirlwinds of tears, of voices long since sewn into a thread. Like a wave across the plane that shapes to covet the notes; soft, flowing. The once thunderous power now softens into a tiny ping of life. Like starlight gliding with the moon, they sparkle across the silver dust of the desert. Rising and flowing like the dunes of silver, playing the uniform tune of stars. Weaving into a blanket all the power of the sun, cloven with the moon’s string of light. The tiny smiles of stars long past, but still shining above. Now a tree of healthy green patches the sunlight. Tiny sparkles seep through to my sleeping form. Flashes beneath my eyelids are nothing more than games with the sun. Winks of heat and strength. My eyes open.

What can I do but stare? The song plays on. The words long since whisked away by the wind of the song itself. Slowly playing my heartbeat like dying embers of the flame. Lasting longer than any other fire could. The glow of the song’s embers lessens and lessens, below what could be heard, but still it plays on. This song. What could this song be? Birds? No, too brash, too hard. The sun? No, too powerful, too quick. The moon? No, too slow, too careful. Then what? Could it be that my heart has stopped? Why don’t I breathe? The song has stopped. The small winks of eyes no longer follow. The splash of color no longer falls, but instead flows smoothly beyond what the horizon can tell. The clouds that had barked their poem dissipate. Now only one blank sky, with no sun to bass the soprano of the missing moon. Gone, all gone. Where did it go? Why am I still here? Why can’t I move? No soul. No life above my heart. No love around it. No strength beneath it. One more tear. Last diamond bliss. Carried away by the song. Is this me?

So i guess you could say that the inner me is either depressed, amazed, musical, or empty. What do you think?

2004-04-25T22:40:00.000-06:00

Okay well, breif history to my post. We had a project of a modest proposal based off of one we read in class. For the fun of it, and some sport, I wrote mine on under(over)oppressive schools. I am quite proud with the outcome, though, be easy if you try to grade it or anything. I'm not sure how grammatically correct it is/isn't.

Break out the Whips and Chains

It is a very dark thing, these days, when people as a population run into a major problem that many do not take the time to solve. Looking into the consequences of this lack of initiative, this problem snowballs into a bigger problem, then into an avalanche as other things begin to fall apart from this one little issue that could have been fixed long before. Such a thing now exists in our society and it is not in our higher, older, more perfect ranks. No, this imperfection lies in our rebellious, younger generations of the high school grades. Across the years, we have become more and more lenient to their small wars within the family unit. Giving more and more ground to their freeloading personalities. Teens everywhere are taking advantage of their parents, and their superiors in general, and changing the stable system that their previous generation put in place ever so perfectly. If something is not done soon, we may very well be facing the degeneration of our superior country.
I speak not of the minor inconsistencies that we fix every day, but of the one great monster of problems. Students today have no respect for the school system set up for them. Too often do we hear of a student, of any age come, home to tell their parents of the wonderful day they had at school. What blasphemy! No student should be allowed to have a good day at school; that is not what it is meant for. And for parents to allow such rebellion! Shame on all of them. Serious measures must be put into motion if we are to save our system and our happiness. We must stand up together and stop these good days, and follow with the beginning of the days of serious learning. Prison is a good example of structured policies that work with the toughest of vagabonds. Prison policy will be the best of measures if we are to stop this growing rebellion. Foot shackles, jumpsuit uniforms, and government or military leaders armed to the teeth need to replace the relaxed educators that are positioned where they are now. As I have explained, we are in a dire situation that we must resolve with the utmost diligence.

Picture the following: a school system where each and every student rivals that of our greatest philosophers and scientists of the past, no one returns home with wasteful happy memories, but instead a mind full of the greatest details of Physics, or even Shakespeare. The large cement walls that will surround the compound will promote the unity of the student body and also promote learning in a completely new way. Single colored jumpsuit clothing degrades individuality, and in the same sweep eliminates social hierarchy and problems created by looks. This picture is absolutely perfect.
First thing we must eliminate from the school systems is any form of individuality promoting device. The biggest and easiest symbol is the building itself and the staff that work in it. Posters of any kind must be removed from the walls. Colored bricks must be paved over with sidewalk cement, as they can promote difference and singularity. We must remove windows to prevent distractions of the outside world. Guard towers and barbed wires are also necessary to prove that we, as more perfect beings than they, are serious about these changes. Armed guards shall be allowed to patrol the perimeter walls and the inside hallways during the day; they will allow no student free passage unless accompanied by the appropriate paperwork and a certified Hall Manager, who may be hired for the specific purpose of retrieving students only by the Warden.
Next, the issue of clothing comes to mind. In this day and age, individuality is the cause of misery of mass numbers across the state of Colorado. If one student does not follow the trends, they are an outcast and shunned from the rest. At least this is the mannerism that the students themselves created in the social hierarchy they placed in the school. By replacing the clothes with a mandatory lime green jumpsuit, we remove any and all difference between students. This will be followed by other detail modification such as hair. Males will be given buzz cuts; females will be regulated at a nine-inch length with the possibility of bangs if she so chooses. Ponytails will not be permitted and the penalty will be an immediate buzz of the female’s hair. Smiling will be forbidden and a penalty of forty-five seconds of shock therapy will be issued per smile. This brings me to my next subject. At this point, the teens will obviously be preparing to rebel for the severing of their previous freedoms. This is to be expected but not tolerated. The new government educators will be permitted rights to public humiliation and torture of any student who steps out of line. Further punishments for continual disobedience, such as venom torture may be issued when necessary. As addressed by a war veteran, this is especially effective. He explained, “A great method of breaking a spirit of rebellion is by letting the sting of a scorpion into their bloodstream. Let them suffer for long enough, but before they die of fever and dehydration, administer the antidote. Continue this across a week and problems will disappear.”
Finally, we must consider the educational curriculum if we are to change this misbehavior. Complete and total textbook memorization would be the most successful method of storing knowledge. After all, nothing is more correct than the textbook. The authors created them to be memorized without opposing opinion, which is exactly something that students have become accustomed to. Without opinion to question the absolute truth of the text, we will finally be taking our final steps toward a perfect generation upbringing.

Now I admit that there are certain things about this approach that may seem discouraging but I assure you, the reader, that they will not effect the outcome when it is given time and strict adhesion. Many have tried other things that have failed quickly under the persistent and rebellious nature of the teenage spawn. Principals of rather unfortunate schools experience firsthand how methods will fail if not given proper enforcement. In the case of 1993, the principal decided to take a step toward these exact outcomes. But he made one very costly mistake. His enforcement of the rules was extremely lacking. One major dilemma of a student mind, is the thought that rules are meant to be broken. This mentioned principal never expunged this idea and it became adopted among nearly every student. With the entire student body against him, the principal was forced to rebuke his efforts. The key is the pressure educators put on students. Without constant pressure, the effort is useless. Without structure and power behind a rule, it should, and will be, broken. Students will cave, so long as we continue the same iron grip around them without any release in pressure.

Clearly, to any reader, student rebellion and happiness has grown out of control. Teachers have become lazy, and students have taken control of the system. Thus I repeat that a prison policy on school grounds is a paragon example of how to deal with the students. I know I am right to suggest this because of the studies I have personally performed on schoolyard rebellions in the last twenty years. I have rooted out the best of control issues, and removed the worst ideas. The system is flawless, and if we could only begin with one school, the effects would be felt across the country. A rise in discipline, and overall knowledge would bring this country to the pinnacle of advancement, and most importantly, it can only be reached by the aforesaid methods.

2004-04-21T22:20:00.000-06:00

You know what really sucks? A Broken arm. Yeah...*pauses* i've never had a broken arm before.. until now. Actually the story is very boring and comepletely lacking of details... I'll bore you with it anyway.

On our basement stairs we have a little window thing cut out of the wall so one can look into the room while going down the stairs. The top of this "thick banister" is covered in oak... I assume we spared no expense in finishing our basement... i swear our basement is worth as much if not more than the first floor. *rolls eyes* I guess that's a good thing though, eh? I live down there in that luxurious area. Anyway, i was going down the stairs at a speedy rate when my foot slips. I fall of course. Not even I can resist the laws of gravity. To try to catch myself I throw my arms out to catch the wall or something.... smashing my arm, just below the elbow...***sidenote: Have you ever noticed that below and elbow use the same letters with the B moved ahead a couple spaces?***

Back to the story.. It was kinda scary because in about seven minutes, my arm began to turn VERY dark purple... my whole forearm looked like the color of suffocation. Not only that but the feeling was so strange. I could not stop shivering. I wasnt cold or anything but I was shaken by spasms almost like I was in the snow without a coat on for an hour or so. My mom said it was because of shock. My body was prenevting me from feeling the pain... or at least that the stupid man's version. After, it began to turn green. So I got it checked out. It's not bad, really. A hairline fracture heals very quickly for a broken bone. But I have to wear an ACE bandage for about two weeks. I thought that was very short for a broken bone, but hey! who am I to say? they're the doctor.

2004-04-19T18:08:00.000-06:00

Postatem obscuri lateris nescitis.
"You do not know the power of the Dark
Side." There are two possibilities: you
are a Star Wars geek, or you are unreasoningly
scary.

Which Weird Latin Phrase Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Now does that sound like me? I'm not so sure... am I scary?

2004-04-17T13:29:00.000-06:00

ENTJ - "Field Marshall". The basic driving force and need is to lead. Tend to seek a position of responsibility and enjoys being an executive. 1.8% of total population.

Take Free Myers-Briggs Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

2004-04-17T13:28:00.001-06:00

Conscious self	Overall self

Take Free Enneagram Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

2004-04-17T13:28:00.000-06:00

Enneagram Test Results

Type 1	Perfectionism	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	63%
Type 2	Helpfulness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	76%
Type 3	Image Awareness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	73%
Type 4	Sensitivity	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	60%
Type 5	Detachment	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	53%
Type 6	Anxiety	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	86%
Type 7	Adventurousness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	73%
Type 8	Aggressiveness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	73%
Type 9	Calmness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	73%

Your Conscious-Surface type is 6w7
Your Unconscious-Overall type is 1w2

Take Free Enneagram Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

2004-04-16T21:25:00.000-06:00

Okay so I think I'm not gonna do the whole Battle thing. After reading it today I felt that I had too much to work on. Too many flaws in my writing that Really ruin it for me. I will give it some time and come back to it later... maybe...

I'm sad. Too many things are in the future and not enough in the present. The past has long since become boring with the number of visits I make. The problem with the future is that it hasnt happened yet and may not happen at all which completely ruins the feeling of security of the present.

Okay so here's the update. Next week we have the last Unit test of the year... good thing right? wrong! it's for history. I am horrible when it comes to history. There is no way i will escape with more than a low B... if that high. Next, the grademakers of the unit are due the following monday. (which I still need to start by the way.) Following that in less than a week is the AP test. Now you wanna talk about ill-placement and over-importance? think about that test. Basically 3 essays and 75 multi choice Q's and only two hours to do it in... or was it three? But nevertheless. This test shows up for collage and it can be a deciding factor that gets you into your choice collage. Fail, not only do you have to take the class again in collage, but it also sets a trend that they inspect for, for the rest of high school. Collages dont like trends. People tell me that most, if not all, collages prefer to see you take the AP course, stick with it and fail, rather than go in but drop it soon after. And a small (scratch that, BIG) part of me thinks that's a load of BULLSHIT! Do we really believe that they would want us to fail... and then accept us to their campus? Hell no! They want people who will bring in he money and be worth the investment. Failing this test could be like a scar across the face that people will always look upon and recieve first impressions. Maybe I'm taking this a little far; placing too much importance into one test. But I think it's reasonable how I migh tbe stressing out.. dont you? *twitches* I mean it's only one test right? *twitches* RIGHT!? *twitches*

2004-04-14T22:13:00.000-06:00

Okay so I am starting a Battle chronicals. Basically something where a bunch of very powerful immortals beat the crap out of eachother. I'm thinking the main character's name is going to be cliche. I love the name of Seraph. It's just cool. The idea is that it will eventually evolve into a story with an actual plot. But I just like detailing battle stories. Now, mind you, I'm not very good at it so bear with me. I seem to 'ave a lot of needless details. I'll fix them later. So here's the start of the first battle. It's actually more of a, very brief, history, as well as the beginning of the fight. I know, I know. I need more detail about the looks of the people and stuff. Like i said I will fix it later. I dont know of a title yet so dont ask me. But if you can think of anything then dont be afraid to post it in the TAGboard....that is what it's there for....

Also, it seems that Blogger doesnt allow for indentations so it's a bit difficult to read and know when a different person is speaking. Sorry. Paragraphs are big blocks of intimidating text but you'll just have to live with it. If you are that picky then i can prolly print out a copy and let you read it later... but dont expect me to make that much effort for you... :-)

******************
Under the weeping willow beside the river was as silent as a graveyard. In fact, the mist that drifted across the damp grass, and the slow breeze that whispered through the dangling branches was very haunting indeed. The moonlight that barely filtered through the thin canopy gave a silvery glimmer to everything. The silence that followed every motion, even outside the dome of green and gray, permeated the air. The sound of my breath seemed to die a few feet in front of my face. The brook that quietly babbled somewhere in the gray mist was the only sound that made it as far as my ears could strain. My senses were put to their maximum ability in the impending darkness. Everything had a warning about it. My nose could almost feel the moist fog that began to lessen as time went by. My ears could hear my heartbeat and the occasional burp from the nearby stream but failed to reach beyond the girth of the tree’s branches.
I was used to it; this sort of blank life. Being an outcast meant that places like these were my temporary homes as I traveled from village to village. I learned quickly long ago that a village life was not for me. The way that I never changed even across years, the way that life never touched me, alarmed simple people and cast me out like the outlaw that I always had been. I am what they call an immortal. I am not subject to mortal damages. Pains, emotions, love; all are alien to me. I cannot feel life as they define it. It passes around me like a river around a stone.
I scanned the surroundings in front of me. I leaned up against the tree just waiting. Waiting. The fog consumed me and soon, it was like I was part of the snaking fog. Or even part of the silver moonbeams. I was silence and darkness. I was invisible. The clearing that stretched behind the willow was small as far as fields go. Grass was hidden somewhere beneath the fog that covered the entire expanse up to the forest that was beyond even that. My eyes searched into the jet-black curtain that was drawn a few feet behind the first trees. Nothing moved everywhere I looked. As I finally trusted that I was alone for the moment I reached to my chest and untied the cloth that wrapped around to hold the sword to my back. I pulled it around and placed the blade against the tree with the handle leaning into the swirling bark.
It was called Deathstreame. As far as I could remember this blade had belonged to my family as an heirloom. I stared at it as if it would come alive. This is what had brought me to this point. Long ago I was told that Deathstreame would protect me and I would protect others. I never understood what that meant until I became a hunter and took the name Seraph. Nearly all other immortals are vampiric monsters that prey upon the helpless. The worst kind is the Necromancer. Summoning the undead for armies and warriors to attack villages and kidnap elders or children for later meals. I had once been taken like a helpless sheep. Deathstreame saved me then. That was when I learned that I had no place other than to protect.

A sudden sound snapped me out of my reminiscent dream. Looking out into the clearing I saw my target. I knew that he would be here; Durial, one of the more powerful Necromancers. He was coming for his nightly meal. There was a village not too far off. Too bad he wouldn’t make it that far. He seemed to float across the mist like it propelled him with demonic speed. Almost at a running pace he came across the expanse. The robes that he wore were dirty and I could smell the herbs and smoke that saturated them from his dark work. Shut up in an old library or archive all day to prowl the night casting spells and murdering people. I picked up Deathstreame and made my way to the edge of the willow where the moonlight grew more intense. I took a deep breath and stepped out into the silver carpet. Durial didn’t even notice.
“You seem like you’re in a hurry, Durial.” I called to him in the empty night. The sound reverberated through the blank night. Durial jumped and turned quickly to face my voice.
“I thought I smelled blood. I thought it was only because of my hunger, but obviously I am wrong.” His voice was like snakes fighting over a meal. A sharp hiss, with a hypnotizing tone of peace beneath it. I knew he was trying to tame me. It was something he enjoyed doing just before he would slit the throat of his victims. It wasn’t working though. “How is your health this night, Seraph?” He kept laying in the honey into his voice. It sounded more and more like the sweet taste of ripe apples sprinkled with sugar. I never liked apples.
“Don’t waste your time Durial. You can’t tame me with your powers.” I said almost too relaxed. I had make him think he had the upper edge. I had to make him think that he was more powerful. That was the difference between vampires and me. While they only grew in power as they grew older, I grew more and more powerful with each battle. When Deathstreame tasted blood, I would taste power.
“Well in that case,” he smiled. “What is it that you want? A nice chat I suppose?” He dropped his sweet honeyed voice and the snakes returned fighting over their meal.
“You know why I am here, Durial. I didn’t think you were the kind to play stupid.”
“I am full of surprises, dear Seraph. How long has it been? Fifteen years? Sixteen? Well whatever the number, I have grown much more powerful than you would remember.” He gave a smile that seemed to stretch across his bony face. “You couldn’t beat me then and you still don’t get just how powerful I am.” With a quick motion, he raised his hand and, under his breath, chanted the incantation that launched deadly energy in my direction. In one swift motion, I pulled Deathstreame out of its scabbard to show the beautiful blade. Its curved silver edge and the smooth wave pattern that traveled the edge gleamed in the light of the moon. In the presence of a vampire, the blade emanated a white field of energy like a thin mist. I pulled it across my front vertically and the energy hit square on the blade dissipating. I curled in a circle above my head and back down, then back in front of me to slash at Durial, who was rushing at my exposed back. The bald caught his robes as he dodged to the side just in time.
“As have I Durial. As have I.” I whispered at him. He stood ten feet away on my right and looked at me with a curl in his lip. He hadn’t expected me to be a challenge. Last time we fought he barely escaped. I barely survived the battle myself. A quick smile crossed his face and he held his hands out in a crucifix position. He began to laugh hysterically like he knew exactly how he could win, while proving to me that pain could exist. I turned to face him as I heard him begin whispering another incantation. I could see power flooding into his ancient body as he spoke archaic words into the night. I watched in silence as his old, frail figure began to change. First he bent over and clutched himself almost like he was in great pain. Muscle began to pile into is limbs and his size nearly doubled in quick jerky spasms. His old robes tore from his body as his skin turned a light gray and most of his humanoid features began to disappear.
His face grew and stretched into a horrific shape like that of a dog or wolf, but no hair rippled across his skin. His ears pulled to the top of his head and his canines began to elongate into razor sharp fangs. Then I looked at his hands and almost made a double take. Two-foot long razors had sprouted from his fingers, which had melded into a birdlike talon with three fingers instead of his normal five. They were so long that he had to hold his hands in a praying mantis like pose. The sickening sounds of shifting organs and bones began to fade and soon Durial’s laughter resumed in a much deeper, demonic voice.
“These should be enough to tear you to ribbons.” He gurgled as he flexed his newly formed claws. “How long do you think you will last?” He laughed again.
“A new form only means new weaknesses. It’s only a matter of time before you let your arrogance get the better of you. And I will be there when it does.” I said. I wasn’t sure if I felt as confident as the words had made me sound. This new monster was very powerful. The black aura, which usually only appeared when a Necromancer gathered energy to summon the dead, was constantly wrapping around him like a large snake. I stepped into a ready stance prepared to take this monster and gave the steeliest look I could muster. “Come and get me you carcass.” I said.

2004-04-14T16:21:00.000-06:00

check out my imperfections! see how human I am?! it's scary! I, as a god among insects, am not allowed to be this corrupt! ;-)

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid:	High
Schizoid:	Moderate
Schizotypal:	High
Antisocial:	High
Borderline:	Low
Histrionic:	Moderate
Narcissistic:	High
Avoidant:	High
Dependent:	Low
Obsessive-Compulsive:	High
-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! --

2004-04-14T16:19:00.000-06:00

Okay so I guess I've gone down in being a bad person. Look at all you good people... look at the influence you are spreading! Slowly but surely you are converting me! stop it!

The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Seventh Level of Hell!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Very Low
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	Very Low
Level 2 (Lustful)	Very High
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	Very High
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	Extreme
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	Extreme
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Extreme
Level 7 (Violent)	Extreme
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	Extreme
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	Very High

Take the Dante's Inferno Hell Test

2004-04-09T21:15:00.000-06:00

Today was.... today...enough said. I survived it yet again which is a good sign as we only have about 56 days of school left. And just for those special few that are destined for a worse fate sooner...about 26 days until the AP test! Enjoy that!

Today I finally decided that Ms. Null is one of those excess people who, in all respects to human kind, should be "omitted"... permanently. As in, removed through forceful, violent, and sadistacally pleasing methods involving bombs, blades, and acid. "Omit" has become the word of the day. Wouldn't you say that to omit a word from a sentence is the same as removing it, or cutting it out? Obviously Ms. null does not believe so. Apperently "cut" means to take out later... strong emphasis on later. Her crap is seriously starting to effect us as students. It's clear that we are right more often than she is, and that is without her teaching.

I'm just really pissed. Stupid Fucking Bitch deserves to die. Seriously. She admitted to us that we are supposed to memorize the book on writing rules. yes, i can understand that we should be familiar with them and be able to describe them to a certain extent...but to memorize them? As ashley pointed out she is the only teacher who assumes with no justification that her class is the only advanced class we are taking...which is not true. Personally i have AP history and Adv. Geometry to worry about, as well as her class. But a few people in that class also agree that her workload is on the assumption that we are only in one adv. class. She seems to think that it's justified to put on this work. Like the other adv. classes dont give homework and so that gives her lee-way to dump even more on.

She is just not a good teacher. I hate to say that but the truth does not deserve to be hidden. She occupies us with Busy work, there is no method to her madness as she arrogantly claims, and then comes her problem with constructive criticism. She takes things too personally, she is unorganized, makes poor attempts at being deep but fails miserably and only sounds mediocre (i think i spelled that wrong) in the end. Her grading system is seriously screwed up, she NEEDS TO START DRESSNG HER AGE, and needs to get her own personality. I hate people who try to be everyone's best friend. It would be a wonderful world if everyone could be each other's best friends but, alas, the case is not so. But those select few who try to fit everywhere only come out to be moronic, faceless, and the reason why outcasts and, consequently, social cliques happen. This need for attention they have is like the root of the social evil when it comes to knowing someone...

Those who have her as a teacher understand. Otherwise it's hard to see what she is like just through words. Only through experience can one truly grasp how horrible she is. And like i said earlier, i think the world would be a little better without her. Stupid people like her are excess and need to be "omitted." Vacca foeda....

2004-04-08T17:57:00.000-06:00

Brady, your true color is Blue!

You're blue — the most soothing shade of the spectrum. The color of a clear summer sky or a deep, reflective ocean, blue has traditionally symbolized trust, solitude, and loyalty. Most likely a thoughtful person who values spending some time on your own, you'd rather connect deeply with a few people than have a bunch of slight acquaintances. Read more about your true color...

2004-04-08T17:54:00.000-06:00

Super Power:

Leapin' Lizards, you're aCHAMELEON! Your answers show a keen awareness of your place, coupled with real social insight. When it comes toblending in, you're probably a pro. Chameleons are masters of disguise and can fit into any social situation or group. Able to change your colors at a moment's notice, you adapt quickly to changing moods, conversations and attitudes. This special power makes you the perfect candidate for a life in espionage, acting or simple social climbing. Sound exciting? An unassuming air, well-practiced charm and a fine eye for human behavior are your tickets to success. If you want to dive headlong into the role of the chameleon, you'd better stock up on theater make-up, acting books, outfits, fake noses and reversible jackets. Practice your skills by crashing parties and trying to fit in. When the hostess swears that she's met you before, you'll knowyou're ready for the big time. Chances are good that if you use all your innate chameleon skills, you'll go far. Good luck!

2004-04-08T17:36:00.000-06:00

Here is the website for the Inkblot test that gives you an idea of what drives your subconscious.

http://web.tickle.com/tests/inkblot/

This is for the personality test:

http://web.tickle.com/personality/

And this is for the Job test:

http://web.tickle.com/tests/rightjob/

2004-04-08T17:35:00.000-06:00

Brady, the Right Job for you will allow you to be:

Personable and Creative

You are a true generator of original thoughts. You're equally as good at spinning old ideas as you are at projecting what might be possible in the future.

Your compassionate nature draws people to you. You are particularly intuitive when it comes to reading certain people. And because of your social smarts, people tend to like being around you. That's part of the power you bring to work. However, unless you're in the right job, these talents won't be recognized and rewarded.

2004-04-08T17:26:00.000-06:00

Its another test from Tickle.com. This one is a personality test.

Brady, you're a Rock Star!

Your personality is actually determined by two personality sub-types - your primary, or dominant sub-type, and your secondary sub-type. You are a Rock Star which means you are a Success / Seeker Your primary sub-type is defined by "Success" characteristics and your secondary sub-type is defined by "Seeker" characteristics.

That means you crave attention, the limelight, and the fawning admiration of millions. Chances are you have a bevy of fans and friends, and you like knowing how much others appreciate you. On top of this, you're a go-getter and you really shine under pressure.

How do we know all this? How do we know that you believe in making a good impression? How could we have divined that you have to love what you do, or else your performance slips?

Because while you were taking the test, you answered four different types of questions — questions that measured confidence, apprehension, willingness to take risks, and your focus on experience versus appearance — the primary traits that determine your personality. Based on your responses, we determined your personality type, Rock Star.

2004-04-08T17:24:00.000-06:00

Heh, I just took a test on.. umm.. Tickle.com i think it was. The test was what drives my subconscious. The results were as follows:

Brady, your subconscious mind is driven most by Imagination

This means you have a deep desire to use innovative ideas to enhance your life and influence the world around you. This drive influences you far more than you may realize on a conscious level.

Your need to be innovative drives how you look at new opportunities and the kinds of experiences in life you choose to have. On an unconscious level, the reason you may be so driven by imagination is your fear of destruction, the opposite of creation. When you are unable to create due to restrictions imposed by your environment or even ones you unwittingly impose on yourself, do you feel trapped or confined? You may find these feelings of unease only get better when you find another outlet for your imagination.

With such a strong creative orientation, you are willing to entertain a broad spectrum of ideas at any given time. The world is a fuller, richer place because you can contribute new ideas to any experience. Your natural curiosity inspires those around you and encourages them to come up with ideas they wouldn't have thought of without your help.

Though your unconscious mind is driven most strongly by Imagination, there is much more to who you are at your core.

2004-04-05T16:02:00.000-06:00

God today feels like a Friday. I think thats because its been a very good day. Everything went so well that it was fun. That hasnt happened in a very long time.

#1: Well, just so you know this #1 doesnt mean its the best thing (though it is pretty cool.). Ms. Null got sick or something between 1st and 2nd period so she wasnt there for 3rd. We got a very cool sub who let us skip out on most of the stuff she had planned as long as we could carry the Socratic Seminar to the end of the period. He was pretty cool.
#2: After that period I got to talk with one of my favorite teachers from Peak to Peak, the school that i attended last year. Mr. Harris was one of those laid-back, down-to-earth teachers (ex. Mr. Mainland) where you could joke about anything. *laughs* I remember how he used to joke and laugh about sexual jokes and make some of his own from the adult point of view (not that its any different...dirty is still dirty, but hearing it from an adult made ti that much more amusing.). He was just plain cool. ANd hes now one of the coaches for the Monarch Lacross team so I hope i will be seeing him again.
#3: Today was also very cool because we got to discuss lots of really neat stuff instead of doing actual work. In history we talked a little about political science and the way that one organization can control the rest of the world. And in World Lit/Comp we got to discuss things such as Human Nature and Philosophy...Which I greatly enjoyed. THe whole day we got to talk and I felt a lot closer to my "possy" than ever. Dontcha just love when you can see the full extent of how much fun you can have with friends?
#4: I found out that I was in Today's newspaper! WOOT! It is for the photo contest that i was in and I guess the news thought it was important. I won third place in a contest relating to teen issues today. I am rather proud of my picture that I turned in so that is another high point of my day.
#5: When i got home my mom called me in and said she was sorry for overreacting about the grades. In any case IM FREE! she said that they need to be able to expect low points even for me and that they had no right to overreact in the way that they did. It was kinda funny because she said she was very proud of the way that I defended my point of view with realistic facts and goals. Basically she gave a sugar-coated apology that made me very happy. SHe said that she would rebuke my punishment as long as I could get my history grade back up to a B and keep my other grades up as well. WOOT WOOT! Go happy day!

2004-04-04T21:04:00.000-06:00

God i really dont like my parents right now. You know, normally i really appreciate my parents. I owe them credit for being the person i am today and that is no lie. I am every bit what they molded me to be and that is something that I can never truly repay in full.

Grades came in today... yes its the subject of my ill feelings for my parents. Today is a milestone in history. It is the first time ever that a C has been on an official report card. Well to my dismay my parents bring it to my attention...which is cool except their reasoning to be ashamed of it. "We dont expect perfection. But you should be getting better grades." My reasoning was: "A C is representing average. As it is the quarter grade i still have time to raise it, and its a weighted class. The C means average. It's nothing to be ashamed of." They reply: "You are not average. We agree that you should be doing better."

Now, dont get me wrong. I totally agree with them. I should be doing better. BUt by grounding me for a week, taking most phone priviledges and no AIM for three days...its going a bit far. Considering that i had all A's except one B and one C, i ws furious. And of course me being a little tempermentally explosive, that's what brought around the rest of the punishment. No friends for a week.

I hate the power that parents have. BLEHRAGA! heh... little video game PUN there that i dont expect anyone to know. SO needless to say they are forcing me to do homework almost like a concentration camp, the little contact I have with the outside world is overseen and timed, and im in a big fight with my parents... damn life!

2004-04-03T00:46:00.000-07:00

You know, I really hate when some people of a somewhat high social standard are serious hypocrits (hey! i might have mispelled it but its one of those Y words!). First I must establish that there is humorous hypocritism, and then there is seriously offending hypocrits. Humorous hypocrits, such as myself, go back on our ideas constantly even after defending it openly. But one must realize that it is not serious. It is a matter of relative mental state. Its true that changing one's mind can be aggrivating but it's not like it makes a DRAMATIC effect on the whole of the system.
Now for the other type. Lets take teachers for an example. Specifically, lets take my World Lit/Comp teacher, as no names will be openly used, *cough* Ms. Null *cough*. As an LA teacher she has given and basically studied the idea of constructive criticism, editing, and reform on a constant basis. It happens in papers, written grammar, spoken grammar, and any place where language is taken seriously. But when constuctive criticism is anonomously offered to her she flips and denys the need for it. She takes it as a personal insult and throws it back in the face of the one who is trying to help. Constructive criticism is meant as a tool to help reform into better flow and perception of one who is doing the percieving. She seems to have this ego shield that says that her methods, however messy and unorganized, have an order to it that makes it perfect. I admit that when one is successfully able to put chaos and order into a perfect balance it is an amazing outcome but her "madness" has no "method" as she so arrogantly claims. In trying to help realize her misconception she has denied the thing that may have helped her most.
Not only did she screw up in denying help, but she also put a slight insult into her reply.

How would you feel if someone emailed you a critical letter and didn't
have the decency to discuss their concerns with you face to face?
Please give your teachers the same respect you would want for yourself.
Also, I cannot help you if I don't know who you are. Other emails of
this type will be deleted without being opened.
-- Ms. Null

By reading between the lines she is calling us, the helpers, cowards for not coming to her face. She is saying that a good student would face their problems. But thats exactly what we have done. And persoanlly i believe that we took the more beneficial route. WE made it so that we did not have to annouce publicly her faults and allowed her a chance to fix or fine-tune them. But as you may read, she is insulted by this act of cowardice and will no longer take advice from the common voice when she assumes that the person who sent it is acting alone, which he/she is not.

BLEH! I wish i ould just yell at her without having the same effects. Theres just so much steam building up that sooner than later it will all come whistling out and just might burn someone... *cough* *cough*.

2004-03-30T14:21:00.000-07:00

Your hair has been died so many times we dont
really know what color your hair should be!

What Color Should Your Hair Be?
brought to you by Quizilla

Ah HA Ha Ha Ha Ha! okay well I got a kick out of it... i mean, can't you tell? Its nearly the truth...(>_<)

2004-03-27T21:47:00.000-07:00

"And I'm Heel over head,
Jet black sky is painted white again,
I'm heel over head,
Leave my eyes in the clouds again..."

Just think about that for a moment... *pauses and looks to horizon for a few moments* As song lyrics i think they are pretty damn cool. I think that I'm going to make it an oficial idiom. i mean, you could say to someone, "And the jet black sky is painted white again." It would mean that they are not really telling the truth. That someone is not being who they really are. Like a mask of personality or maybe even of a story. It could go as far as to mean that you know someone is lying because they are leaving important parts out and you're calling them on it.

awe, heck- I just like the sound of the words put together...

Here is another quote that i want you to think about:

-- "It is illogical for a man to be too logical. The mystery is more important than any possible explanation. The searcher after truth must search with humanity. Ruthless logic is a sign of a limited mind. The truth can only add to the sum of what you know, while a harmless mystery left unexplored often adds to the meaning of life. When a truth is not so important it is better left as a mystery."

I couldnt help but think deeply about religion when i heard this quote. I am not a religionist. I have my own beliefs and i dont really practice often my birth religion. And i cant help but feel that all religion is, is unexplained science. Mysterious science if you need help with relating to the quote. When you think about it... religion is Ruthless logic. The crusades were based upon the word of one man who was convinced that one mysterious science was threatening his own science that he couldn't explain. but at the same time, it adds to the meaning of life. There are those select few who revolve around religion because it is all they have left. Without the lack of explanation, it make sit easier for people to truly believe, and as such easier to live by the standards set by the religion. IF religion was suddenly revealed and everything explained then we would lose a very important part of society that is embedded deeper than it ever should be. And the effects would be felt even by those who dont care about it. In this way the mystery of unexplained religion IS more important that keeping knowledge rampant. By leaving the harmless mystery of religion to spread as it does, we keep alive a part of life that may be more harmful than is healthy, but it has become more of a human nature. (which Ashley can explain in more detail...human nature that is...)

Okay so my rant isnt really to prove anything but its to get you thinking...I hope it worked.

2004-03-23T12:40:00.000-07:00

*yawn*

So, I'm not sure whether to call this break completely horrible or completely wonderful. See, I have done nothing with my friends, and I've been busy, if not gone, from the house all day. In my spare Time i just sit and play video games and play card games or read. I love it. I feel kind of bad that I have not really made the effort to see my friends or even call them but hey. The easy life is the greatest. I have to admit that it really doesnt show much resilience on my part but i think its the lack of school that makes me so happy. It's like I am seriously prosperous from the lack of the cycle. Think about it! No cycle for a week and a half. Its mostly completely random. Nothing to take up a full day (aside from stuff...) like school. Only simple, possibly stupid, things that I CHOOSE to do! Me! All me! No overbearing force or system to govern me in this week. No real priorities that demand serious attention. (heh, just wait. This attitude will get me in trouble later. Homework wont be a conscious though until the tuesday before we go back to school.)

2004-03-23T12:36:00.000-07:00

You are a white dragon, pure and noble, you would
help humans if they desprately need you. YOu
are kind and wise with a heart of gold.

Which Dragon resides in your soul? (cool pictures!)
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